How can I tell my future DIL that she shouldn’t invite people who are not invited to their wedding to an engagement party. ?

My son and DIL are having a small wedding at an upscale venue. As I predicted most of our family was left off of the guest list. She now haw decided to make up for that they will have an engagement party and invite everyone who isn’t invited to the wedding. How do I tell her that is in poor taste and will probably cause even more hurt feelings? 

9 Answers

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    1 month ago
    Favorite Answer

    Unfortunately, there's really no subtle way to tell her.  It may be better for you to tell your son this.  It is a faux pas but she may not realize that.

    It is rude to invite people to events for the wedding, when they won't be invited to the wedding itself.  When/if she has a shower that is especially true for that since it's a gift giving event.

    The only real exception to this is if this was a work related event.  It's not uncommon in the work place to have a celebration/luncheon for someone getting married  where the co-workers aren't being invited to the wedding.  My husband and I actually work for the same hospital, he works with a small group of people and he invited them all (about 20 total with their +1) my department at the time was nearly 100, I only invited a handful who I was/am friends with outside of work and their +1.

    A catch 22 can sometimes be someone other than the couple is hosting the party and may invite someone by mistake because they assume they will also be invited to the wedding.

    https://www.brides.com/story/engagement-party-etiq...

    https://www.theknot.com/content/must-invite-bridal...

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    There's no easy way to get around this.  I had planned to invite guests to an early get together right before the engagement party for the mere sake of announcing the wedding and to tell them they aren't invited with an explanation if needed.  So I suppose you would say I'm a lot more tacky than your DIL.  I'm sure she hasn't had any of the problems I have with my family the only other thoughts I had were invite them to a shower but that's a gift giving event so tacky to get gifts and not invite them to the wedding or seat them way in the back where nobody will hear or see them but what are the chances of that.  I really want to write them a long letter and wash my hands of them now that I'm getting married and will have a new family...but somehow I think I will not ever be rid of them.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You don't. You can mention your concerns to your son and he can talk to her about it. But it's not your place to start bossing this woman around.

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  • 1 month ago

    You can mention this to your son, but otherwise, it is time to butt out.  Sorry.  Your future DIL and, apparently, your own son, don't care what you think and don't feel particularly close to your side of the family.  Move on.  Don't let it fester.  Allow people to make their own choices.  If someone is offended by an invitation to an engagement a party, they don't have to attend.  

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    this is not your engagement party, hun. knock it off.

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  • Jon
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    It's your son you should be taking to.

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    An engagement party’s function is to get both sides of the family (and friends) together to meet each other. 

    She decided??? Where the heck is the groom in all of this? Don’t put this all in the bride. The groom has a voice and can speak up.

    Everyone at the engagement party will ask about the wedding. Normal conversation for an engagement party.  Let them explain to these guests they won’t be invited.

    Having a small wedding with a small guest list is perfectly fine to do. Nothing wrong with it. And if you don’t agree with who is being invited talk to you son about it. 

    YOu can host a party to celebrate after the honeymoon just for your family

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  • Jerry
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    No such rule. Separate parties have separate guest lists. If some people feel that "I don't care to attend any of the auxiliary parties unless I'm also invited to the wedding" then those people are free to decline invitations to auxiliary parties. 

    Unless engagement-wedding are happening in a back to back rush, how would it come about that, at the time of an engagement party, the wedding guest list would have already been created? 

    Kelly, Jon -- Who says? Etiquette guidance from Wedding Industry sponsored sources is highly suspect. These people are paid to promote unauthorized revisions of etiquette, revisions based on considerations of what best serves their Wedding Industry sponsors rather than on considerations of what Etiquette directs. The idea that any individual invited to any one wedding related event must be invited to all wedding related events is one of those unauthorized revisions, a transparent ploy to inflate wedding related spending. 

    Don't get your etiquette guidance from wedding vendors! Get it from unbiased sources, sources that aren't trying to sell stuff. I recommend Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior and Miss Manners' Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding.

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    • Jon
      Lv 6
      1 month agoReport

      There most certainly is such a rule. And the answer to your question is that you limit the engagement party guest list to people you are absolutely sure you will invite to the wedding.

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  • 1 month ago

    I think you should come up with a better solution if you are going to do that.

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