Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 2 months ago

Can you ever forgive someone that cheated?

Long story, trying to make it short.

 Back in 2012 i dated this guy from high school. Without giving you boring details, he cheated on me and then we broke up. 

 Well at the end of 2018 we started talking again. And then started dating again january 2019. He just seemed different and more grown up. 

 We are even expecting our first baby next month. 

 

 Im not really sure what triggered it but my ptsd and gut feeling are telling me something is wrong... even with no evidence. 

 I feel like hes cheating. Im not sure if i should trust my gut or if im just overthinking. 

 What are your thoughts and advice on this?

 I trusted him months ago but i dk... im not sure about anything. 

 He moved states for me and is there for me and the baby.. i just cant trust him. 

 Im hurt by the past and wish itd go away. 

 Please no bashing or negativity. Im already beating myself up about it. 

5 Answers

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  • 1 month ago

    The answer to your question, to make a long answer short:  Yes you can.

    Longer more direct answer, not concerned about making a good answer short:

    You used good grammar and punctuation.  Other than that this was a pretty vague and horrible question - Sorry.  The good news it really seems you are not an idiot.  However, why ask such an important question without specifics & details.  How can you expect an accurate answer without accurate descriptions - you can not.

    Sure it is personal - whatever.  You are the one asking.  Next time talk/TELL about whats going on.

    Women are naturally better with relationships, love and picking up on signs/signals.  Our brains are designed very different.  While this is not a scientific article, it is true:https://www.sheknows.com/health-and-wellness/artic... is some of the science:https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC60137... you molested, abused or mistreated?  Are you sure it is not BPD or C-PTSD?  Why are you sure?That aside here is your brain:https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC59609... it is C-PTSD your brain is different.  If it is BPD your brain is very different.Different does not = bad or broken.Your brain is different man.  Its not your fault.  It is your problem though.  I wish I could fix it.  I work with women who have C-PTSD; PTSD, BPD and BD (BipolarDisorder) with some serious and evil co-occuring symptoms.Why does any of this matter?  You are not hypersensitive, hypervigelant & very 'stimulated'.  You run around in protective mode most of the time - which is ok.  That simply means you are more aware of your surroundings.  You listen & "look" better - you see and feel more intensely than most.  Your experiences are more raw - which can suck, it is overwhelming/intrusive.Quiet/slow or more boring things can be colorful, loud, exciting or even scary to you.All of this means one - two things.  You pick up, process and filter information better (differently).  You pick up on tone, pattern, expression, emotion, body language and more better.  Your body adapted(changed) to do this.  It is impossibly hard for me to believe after "all that" (giving him another chance/moving him out there) you woke up and just magically decided you wanted to feel like he was cheating on you again.It just doesn't make sense. The suggestion he is doing it all again, lying about it - felt he could continue to manipulate or exploit you makes more sense.  It makes more sense you are picking up on many signs/signals.  Most communication is non-verbal as it is.While I won't discuss it here because it is very rare women with C-PTSD/BPD even PTSD are often empaths, HSP or 'gifted' & attracted negative energy/people or situations.That aside I am not taking a leap of faith.  Science tells us women are better at reading these things and women with C-PTSD or similar concerns are amazing at it (it is about fight/flight - self preservation).   Giften women who are rare but more commonly get BPD/C-PTSD are world class at this.What do you do?  Did you ever hear the saying "grab your b@lls"?  Well, grab your t*ts, woman up stop blaming yourself.  Do something...  You are probably not totally insane.  You have a right to know.  It is impossibly hard and not fair.  Someone you trusted.  Play detective.  It is not tough,I help women do it. It is not easy though. Learn about infidelity and all the signs & signals, journal about it.  Learn about behavior/psychology  Flirt with/pressure him - get him to talk a little...One of the more impotant steps find a friend not a BFF, too much emotion there.  But someone you can talk to and tell them whats going on, how he is acting, reacting or his patterns. Listen to their feedback.  Spend 2-3 months digging.In the end if you find nothing, it is just you.  It is not your fault.  Keep doing CBT/DBT or whatever has been working.  Try different things, 10 - 15 new.listenforyou@protonmail.com

    It is just more likely not just you - "paranoia"  sure it could be.....

    Source(s): infidelity; Womans rights
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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Doesn't really matter at this point unless you're planning to not have the baby or give it up for adoption. You've basically sealed the deal with this guy so now you'll have to make the best of it by getting into some counseling so you can put the past in the past. Fingers crossed things work out...not even a full year into a relationship is hardly the security most people seek before deciding to have a child with someone.

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  • 2 months ago

    If you were so hurt by the past then why did you start seeing some guy you couldn't trust the first time? I'd move on, baby or not. You have more important things to worry about, such as the little life inside you. That ought to be your first priority

    • Louise2 months agoReport

      Reread it again. "He seemed like he was different and grown up"

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  • Janet
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    BAD mistake to let him back into your life.

    Is he trustworthy now? Hard to know. But one thing we DO know is that this past cheating created patterns/imprints of distrust in your brain, and you will never be able to fully trust him. Never be fully-comfortable with him.

    The issue here is not about forgiveness. The issue is your fear. Learn skills for coping with negative emotions, and work on developing better self-esteem, and even if he is not trustworthy, you will be able to live with the uncertainty of love.

    Because love NEVER has a guarantee. And having a child with someone brings out any internal insecurity/dependency issues/fear that we may be having.

    Please do not beat yourself up about it. There is nothing wrong with you, except that you - like everyone else - is human and struggling to work with emotions until you learn how to cope well with them.

    It is all just a matter of the imprints/pathways we have previously created in our brain .. through how we dealt with past events, what we told ourselves about those experiences etc. 95% of our emotions and choices arise automatically from those existing subconscious pathways.

    The art of living happily depends on how WE relate to our emotions. And that can be changed.

    After all he DID move states for you. And his presence probably makes your life easier for you and the child, than if he was absent. You have motivation to work on your emotional patterns, for the good of all 3 of you.

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  • 2 months ago

    In a heartbeat.  I don't believe in cutting off my nose to spite my face.

    All men and most women are tempted.  Many succumb.  If all people who had cheated were immediately ditched the divorce rate would skyrocket and there would be a majority of unhappy people.

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