Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsEngagements & Weddings · 1 week ago

Why the hell are people expected to give so many gifts to the bride and groom?

I've recently learned that you're supposed to give an "engagement gift" to your friend if she gets engaged. Could this be why my estranged best friend contacted me after 3 years just to show me her ring?

On top of that you're also expected to give a wedding gift if you attend the event, which is normal. This is literally the only gift that makes sense to me. Then apparently there's also all these parties before the wedding day. I remember being told about a bachelorette and bridal party, but I guess an engagement party is now thrown into this mix as well. So I guess you now need a bridal shower gift on top of that engagement party gift.

Our country also has what we call a Wedding Fundraiser / again it's like a party and I don't know how common this is in the US, so again we are expected to give money to the couple during these so - called fundraising events so they can have a lavish wedding.

After all these years I was told how much I meant to her and how of course she wants me to be in the bridal party...after 3 freakin years of no contact. Right. I'm nearly broke on top of that, so now on my to do list I need to tell her no without coming off as a jerk.

I'm just overall trying to wrap my head around this whole wedding nonsense. Why it's so important to have all this mess and what's wrong with people getting a simple courthouse wedding, or something like that. I also hate wearing heels. Never have and never will, (unless you count 5 minutes) even for a bridal party.

22 Answers

  • 3 days ago

    no contact for three years,,, and you still call her your best friend.. .YOU stupid to arent you .. You Don't owe her a gift or anything and do not go the the wedding just because she remember you when she was going over her old address book with her mother.

  • GB
    Lv 5
    4 days ago

    I agree with you.  We got married in 1979. Some people gave us engagement presents, but it was not expected.  There was no engagement party, or bridal shower. (Bridal showers are fairly new in the UK.)  My husband had a stag night  at a club with his mates, while  my hen night was at a restaurant. Neither involved presents. I wore a traditional gown,  but  wore flat white court shoes with it.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    7 days ago

    Your negative nancy assss should just stay home.

    The couple is planning their wedding, not yours and it's fine for them to do what they want to.  Not everyone wants a courthouse wedding and that's okay and for those that do that's also fine.

    For events surrounding the wedding, only the shower is a gift giving event.  Gifts for the engagement party, bachelorette party and even the wedding are optional.

    You don't say what country you're in but your writing is an American English dialect and all the events besides a wedding fundraiser you've listed are common in a wedding in the US.  

  • Anonymous
    1 week ago

    Etiquette varies by location.

    In the USA, engagement gifts are not routine/expected.

    Bachelorette party gifts are not a thing either.

    If you attend a bridal shower, yes, a gift is expected because a shower IS a gift-giving event.   An invitation is not a subpoena.  There is no requirement that you attend.

    A wedding gift for the couple is tradition many people abide by, but it is not required in terms of etiquette.   A wedding is not a fundraiser, nor is it a gift-giving event like a shower or birthday party.

    There is nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding.   Many people get married that way.    There is also nothing with a backyard wedding, a medium sized wedding or a large wedding.  This is up to the couple.   It's THEIR wedding and you aren't paying for it so butt out.    Your choice is to attend or not (if you are invited).

    There is no requirement that anyone wear heels to a wedding.   I've been on the planet for five decades and I haven't worn heels since my 20s and no one's thought about kicking me out of a wedding yet.  

    Stop getting your knickers in such a twist.  No one is forcing you to do anything, wear anything or spend anything you don't want to.

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  • Gifts aren't required, you can just get them a nice card if you want to. If you can't afford to go or be part of the wedding party, then politely turn her down. Tell her you're not able to come. You're having trouble financially and you're sorry but you can't afford to be there. It's kind of strange that she would contact you now about her wedding after not hearing from her in a few years. If you meant that much to her, she should have communicated with you more often. Some people like that kind of attention, some would rather have a smaller more private wedding. Obviously she wants a wedding and all the 'fund raiser' events that come with one.

    The more people that come to these events and her wedding, the more gifts and money she could get. 

  • Anonymous
    1 week ago

    Wedding gift...... i just dont giv it to my friend.  Because I was his best man....

  • 1 week ago

    Engagement gifts are 100% optional.

    Wedding gifts are 100% optional (but more of a cultural norm)

    Being in someone's bridal party is 100% optional - and if you can't afford it, be up front. Otherwise you may find yourself expected to shell out for all sorts (in some countries, bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses, the hen do / bachelorette party etc, plus all the costs associated with getting to and attending a wedding)

  • drip
    Lv 7
    1 week ago

    No, you do not give an engagement gift.  At an engagement party no gift is expected. Perhaps a bottle of wine or flowers at most.

    No gift is given at the bachelorette party. Although you all do chip in for the bride. And in the US usually only the bridesmaids attend. 

    Yes a gift necessary for the bridal shower. You don’t need to attend or spend a large sum.

    You can  RSVP no to the wedding. No explanation is needed, beside sorry  I am unable to make it, I wish you both the very best.

    A wedding gift is not obligation. My daughter got gifts of $10-$400 at her wedding. Once again you need not spend a lot. 

    What others do isn’t your business. If you don’t want to attend, don’t. If you don’t want to give a gift, don’t. No need to the rant. 

    After three years of no contact, it wouldn’t be rude not to attend any of the festivities.

    And why all the fuss about heels. Even in a wedding party you can wear flats. 

  • 1 week ago

    Here is what is normal for a wedding to me:

    1. The couple get engaged and they spread the word with excitement, maybe have a family dinner, no party or gifts expected.

    2. Batchelor and Bachelorette party for one last "hora" with your main guys and gals.

    3. The pre-wedding dinner where the very close family and friends gather for pre-celebration and the bride and groom actually give gifts as a huge thank you to their bridal party and parents.

    4. Then the wedding, where guests give gifts if they can/want and it's more than just close family and friends.

    Anything more is ridiculous and unnecessary, and it starts to become more like a contest to see who can get the most **** and throw the best party instead of the celebration of love and commitment.

    You should tell your friend the truth, that you are very happy for the two of them but you just can't afford all of this. That you'd be happy to get her a gift for her wedding day, but the rest is too much for you. If she gets mad at that, that is a her problem and then you just got out of getting her a wedding gift too. lol

  • 1 week ago

    Learned from where? A gift shop? This is rather too long and meandering to comment on things like high heels.

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