Is our relationship over?
My boyfriend and I , graduated high school and got married , around May of this year after only being together for two months. Everything was really lovely and I moved in with him. About four months in, he told me he no longer wanted to tell people we’re married and stick to BF/GF titles. I was understandably upset but eventually got over it. Until he asked to get a full divorce. Claiming he was young and think the marriage complicated things. Although I was upset, I agreed.
Aside from that. I just caught him talking to a girl I had asked to stop speaking to, quite some time ago. They weren’t flirting or anything like that. But they talked A LOT and he had hidden the messages from me. I brought it up. He told me truthfully he didn’t have feelings for her but it flattered him that she wanted to talk to him. I broke up with him. And today we talked, he said he does want to be with me, he’s just A. Not ready to commit to a serious relationship, and B. Needs some space to figure out what he wants. I told him I’ll give him space, and laid out a few things he could work on if he really wanted to be with me. He said he’d prove to me how he feels and he told me he loved me.
This sounds like bull to me , and I’m not sure what to do. I love him a lot. I want to be with him. But I don’t know what he wants. I’m not sure if he’s trying to gently let me down or if he really does want me, he’s just being held back by his own fears. What do I do?
- JanetLv 72 weeks agoFavorite Answer
Assume he is leaving for good. Even if he comes back, the biggest predictor of relationship failure and incompatibility is when one leaves or the couple takes a break.
Start working to build your own self-confidence, self-approval, independent self-sufficiency, friends, activities, a career, etc. You need these things before you can make a relationship work out long-term.
Love is only 11% of what makes it work. Emotional maturity and the ability to relax when problems crop up .. these are vitally important. And experts say that until we have gained maturity by living on our own for at least 5 years, we are not mature enough to make a marriage work.
Marriages are most likely to work when both have been on their own for 5 or more years.
When the couple has dated steadily for at least 2 years.
When both are already happy and content with themselves and their life even before they meet each other.
And you know now that he is not mature enough to commit. He was flattered by the girl's attention, which means he is not yet secure inside himself. And that security is absolutely vital for a relationship to last, and it comes only from being independent and discovering our value and our self-sufficiency.
Not saying it is impossible that he comes back, but it is highly unlikely, Especially given the youth of both of you. And if you wait, it will be like sitting on hot coals ... you will suffer immensely. Best to assume he is gone, turn in another direction and starting building a life that relies on you. If he changes his mind, he will come running after you. If he doesn't, then you have a head-start on learning how to be happy.
And we are NEVER happier in a long-term relationship than we were happy before we started the relationship. Yes, the honeymoon stage is very exciting, but it never lasts. And if we weren't happy beforehand, then we go back to being MORE unhappy once the honeymoon is over.
So first priority is to become happy within, without using someone else for that.
Second is to learn to trust that you can negotiate life without leaning on someone, because when we are not sure of our self-sufficiency, the fact that NO relationship comes with a guarantee makes us overreact in ways that end up driving the person away.
Only once we have those two mastered, should we look for someone to share our happiness and our self-sufficiency with.
- Coach SimonLv 72 weeks ago
I expect that you are very young.- and men especiallyh can take quite a time to gt ro know their adult self.
We fall madly in love, don’t we, thinking (feeling rather) that it will last forever and is enough for a serious relationship. However, it’s very hard to live on an emotional high for very long. Eventually we start to come down from the ecstasy, excitement, strong passions and desires, typically after around 18 months to three years (people vary of course). If couples are friends, discuss their mutual values, shared ambitions, interests, etc., in some depth (obviously there will be some differences, which help make relationships interesting), and make plans, work on their personal development, etc., this can develop into a long and wonderful relationship. If one party feels insecure or low in self respect, it can make for a difficult partnership. It's easy to behave at our best when in love, but marriage, for example, requires a lot of self discipline, sacrifice, compromise and flexibility. If a strong friendship is not in place, the relationship will probably peter out eventually - or worse. Quite often we fall in love because we are lonely and allow ourselves to be won over by anyone who takes an interest in us. Thus we give away control to somebody else if we are not careful. This is another reason for taking things very slowly, and really getting to know someone before committing ourselves or getting too emotionally or sexually involved. Sex can be emotionally bonding, which is disastrous if the other things are not there: strong friendship, similar values and standards, common interests, etc.
- 2 weeks ago
You have to do what he asked. If you push him then you are sure to lose him. Work on yourself right now during this time. You may find out that maybe you agree with him. Don't contact him at all because you will look needy. No contact rule....let him be for 3-4 weeks. Don't contact him and don't answer if he contacts you. He needs to be reminded of why he married you in the first place. And take those 3-4 weeks to improve yourself and work on you. It is very hard trust me I have done it. But you will see that things will work out they way they are supposed to work out. You can't force someone to love you and you can't force someone to want to be with you. You want him to be with you because he wants to not our of guilt and not out of pity because in the end he will leave again.