Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 9 months ago

what can I do about my Mother in law keeping my 12 yr old daughter out of everything?

I am married but my husband is not the real father of my oldest daughter.  My oldest daughters father died of suicide when she was 2 ( PTSD from military). 

When I married my husband my daughter was 4. He was a military friend of my daughters father. One of the reasons we got close quickly is he felt compelled to be the father figure to my daughter that was taken away from her.  They are actually really close. He loves her and treats her like his own.

But his mother is a different story. She will leave my daughter at home and take my two sons out. She has also "forgot" on many occasions her christmas gifts.

My daughter called her Nana once like my sons do and she snapped at her and said "I am not your Nana" This hurts my daughter. My daughter does not have grandmothers as my mom died when I was young and her real fathers mother does not want to be in the picture. 

I do not know how to address this. My husband's dad is very sweet to my daughter and treats her well. He has even given her money when my mother in law has "forgotten" about her. 

I addressed this with my husband after my daughter spent all of friday night crying in her room when she took her brothers out without her. He said that she was just set in her ways and it would just cause a lot of trouble if we brought it up. But I know he feels bad about this as the next day he took her to a movie, out to lunch, and shopping. 

How do I handle this? How do I let my mother in law know this is not okay?


@ the person who said quit referring to him as not her real father. I was strictly using that for you guys to describe the situation...thank you for your advice though..;)

8 Answers

  • 9 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Don't allow your mil to take the boys out at all.  If she can't treat all of them she can't treat any of them.

  • 9 months ago

    Your child is spoiled and thinks she should get anything she wants. Your mother in law does NOT have to take your child out, does NOT have to get her presents, doesn't have to do anything for her. 

    She's spoiled and you keep teaching her that she can have anything she wants 

  • 9 months ago

    You stop teaching your daughter that she deserves more than she gets. Your MIL is NOT obligated to fulfill your grandmother fantasies. It would be very sweet if she did... but she isn't and she doesn't. Your daughter doesn't have a grandmother because your mother is dead and her bio-dad's mother likely just can't stand the pain of staying in the life of her dead son's child. You don't mention that you were wed to your daughter's father so I will assume you were not. It might all be just too much for your ex's Mom. That does not mean that your husband's Mom is required to step up. Even though that would be nice.

    I suggest that starting right now you teach your daughter that she's wonderful, loved, cherished, has brothers and a Dad and a Mom and is a very lucky girl. And never say one more word again about how she's not getting what she deserves. That stops now. THAT hurts your daughter MUCH more than your husband's mother reminding her that they are not in the same DNA pool.

    It's harsh. I'm a stepmother and neither of my parents, nor either of my brothers or my youngest sister have EVER, not during the 31 years of my marriage and the fact that my stepsons are the only children that I will ever have... none of them have EVER bought my boys a gift, suggested they were related in any fashion or appeared remotely interested in my grandchildren that were gifted to me by my stepsons. I AM lucky. They don't have to feel that way. I feel that way enough for all of us.

  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    9 months ago

    just tell her what you just told us

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 9 months ago

    What is a "real father"? He may not be her biological father, but he is bringing her up with love, which is surely more "real" than a sperm donor. This is no disrespect for her poor bio one. Why on earth would you allow the grandmother to favour the boys? If she cannot love them all equally, she shouldn't be allowed to go near them with her attitude that will certainly have an influence in some way. Please put your children's interests before those of the grandmother. 

  • Lv 7
    9 months ago

    you need to have a private talk with her, and frankly ask her WHY she treats the girl differently. she clearly likes your boys for some reason, so perhaps she has some issues from her past affecting her relationship with young girls.

    that is understandable, but she should NOT let any of your children suffer because of HER issues...

    you need to bring up the points mentioned here, and tell her, NOT ASK HER, TELL HER, that if she cannot be nice to ALL of your children, then she is not welcome around ANY of them. she is being a bad influence around the boys, who may end up thinking itxs okay to mistreat girls.

    perhaps she has a reason for treating her poorly, but you won't know until you confront her, and it should be without your husband so it won't be 2 against one...

  • 9 months ago

    You did not tell us how old your daughter is.

    But the main thing you have to assure her is that the problem is not with her.  The problem is that your mother-in-law has some problems.  She is the one that has something wrong, not the daughter.

    Tell her that no everyone she is going to meet in life is going to lover her, just as she does not love everyone in the world.  There are people she likes and people she does not.

    Then assure her that you and her father can give her as much love a she will need,  And then plan some special things for her.

    The next time the mother-in-laws shows up with gift only for the boys, put them away and tell her that the next time she comes and remembers the gift for your daughter then all the kids can have a "second Christmas" and open them.

  • Anonymous
    9 months ago

    First, you need to stop saying that your husband is not your daughter's "real" father.   Not only is it insulting and rude, but if you yourself don't describe him as the child's "real" father, why on earth should his mother treat her like a grandchild?

    Now that we've got THAT covered...

    Your husband needs to sit down with his mother and tell her the rules.   Either she treats the three siblings like grandchildren that are loved or she doesn't see any of them.  And then the two of you follow through.

    If she wants permission to take out the other two, the answer is NO.  If she can't bring gifts for all three, then she doesn't get invited again. 

    This is HIS mother and he needs to handle this.  If he's unwilling to, I'd seriously consider divorce.   Any father who thinks it's ok for his mother to treat his kid like this deserves a special place in hell.

    I can only hope your question is just one of the many fake questions on this site.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.