Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsSingles & Dating · 3 weeks ago

I cry nearly everyday and it’s partly because of my relationship. What should I do? ?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. For a really long time in our relationship, on and off for maybe two years, he kept secrets from me and lied (he didn’t cheat, btw). He came from a really abusive home life, and I know that’s no excuse, I’m just stating. 

Even though he has changed that for the last year and we’ve seemed to make a lot of progress, I feel like I’m worse. 

I don’t feel like I can fully trust him, even if I trust him now. I worry that I’m bound to be hurt at least a few times in the years to come, just because of the past and how much it affected me. 

I feel like we don’t know how to talk to each other. I need a lot of empathy and sweetness, and he can be distant and a little mean.   

I try to talk about my feelings and how we can maybe make things better whenever I can, but I usually end up crying and disappointed. 

All in all, I think my past trauma with us is just keeping me in this cycle and fear and I feel like I’m not living for me. I’m so depressed, I’m so scared to do anything normal. 

 This is also my first serious relationship, so I’m scared anything else I’ll try will end up like this. And we do love each other a lot, which makes everything hurt more. 

I know this all makes me sound like I should just leave, but I feel like I can’t, and I don’t know why. I mean, I don’t have a lot of money and I have pets, so that’s not making anything easy. I just feel really stupid for having to reach out like this, looking pathetic.  

4 Answers

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  • Z
    Lv 5
    3 weeks ago

    In our mature adult relationships we tend to repeat the same cycle of abuse and dependency that we had with our parents. If your father was emotionally abusive or unavailable, you will find yourself attracted to men with the same personality because it is what you are familiar with, being hurt and rejected is what you associate with love. And also because of your need to heal the past. The way our psyche helps us to heal our childhood wounds is by repeating the same cycle abuse again and again in our adult life until we finally learn the lesson and change our negative perception of our worth. But before then, you will tend to hold on desperately to an unsatisfying relationship that is just not working because you believe that if only you can make such a man love you, then you can prove to yourself that you are lovable and that your love counts - it is your poor attempt to repair the damage done to your self-esteem as a child. Only girls like you will understand such abusive men, make excuses for them, and love them regardless of how much they hurt you, and this is because your first love (your father) was just like that. Your father may not resemble your boyfriend in any way, but he made you feel the same way every time you tried to love him, reach out to him, or make him understand you. To you, love has always been trying to reach out to someone and getting nothing in return, but perhaps getting only temporary acts of kindness that keep you hooked. Your mind has been conditioned to tolerate abuse and still be there for your abuser. When society has men who are abusive, nature has to create women who are tolerant of abuse, otherwise, no woman will marry these men and people will stop making babies and the human race will become extinct. But this is not to say that you have no choice in the matter, you can choose who you want to become and the kind of man you eventually end up with.

    What you're going through is a karmic relationship, but if you can identify your weakness and overcome it, this relationship will help you to heal and evolve into an emotionally mature woman who can have healthy relationships. So, leaving him does not mean that you are a failure in love, it actually means the opposite. It means that you have outgrown dysfunctional relationships and your attraction to men who are incapable of truly loving, and you are now prepared to attract real love into your life.

    But do bear in mind that karmic relationships are extremely difficult to get out of, the pull is just too strong. It is not something that you can consciously decide to end and move away from. Karmic relationships start powerfully and you think that you've finally found the love of your life, and then things begin to turn dark without warning but you are unable to leave because you still hold on to the idealized feelings you first thought you had for each other (even if nothing of it still exists). In any case, the force that binds you to this man is strong and uncontrollable and, like Satan's noose over your head, you will not get to decide when the hold he has over you will finally cease and you'll come back to your senses. It will happen when it happens. But in the meantime, you can decide to protect yourself emotionally and how much you choose to give in the relationship (your suffering will be to the degree you give of yourself to this man). If you do not moderate your emotions it could become self-destructive, and you need to understand that giving more will not change anything in your relationship or cause any permanent improvement in his feelings for you. Giving more will only make you feel less. So, for now, the steps that you can take include:

    1) Adjusting your expectations from the relationship; this will not be the first or last of your relationships, and the beautiful ones are yet to come.

    2) Accepting your boyfriend's nasty behaviour for what it is: Unacceptable, even if you can't walk away from it right now. Being emotionally weak doesn't mean that you have to also lie to yourself by making excuses for him.

    3) Admitting to yourself that you are emotionally hooked on this man but it's only a soul projection. You are projecting onto him the idealized image of what you really want in a man, but he is not that and may never be.

    4) Restraining yourself and salvaging some of your pride. Being hooked on a man doesn't mean that you have to be his doormat, tolerate all sorts of abuse, or allow him to use you. You can hold yourself back and protect yourself from some of it. Being a little selfish will not only save your dignity, but also save you from abuse.

    5) Learning to take personal responsibility for your life will empower you. Your pets are not his responsibility to take care of. It is your responsibility to earn enough money to take care of yourself and any pet you choose to adopt. If you cannot wake up to this simple reality of life, then you leave yourself vulnerable to codependency and abuse. 

    6) Acknowledging that it will all end one day and you won't have to look his way again, he will become a figment of your past and you might even find yourself thinking back and thanking him for forcing you to take a hard look at yourself and change your notion of what love is. Because without having gone through a relationship with the likes of him, you would never have learned to value yourself and become worthy of having a beautiful life with a truly wonderful man.

    So, you see, it will all work out in the end. What you're going through now is just a phase.

  • 3 weeks ago

    You tried to live the partnership life and start a family.....the pets......with your first love. It's very sad it hasn't worked out kindly for you. I suspect you are both perhaps a bit too young and him, with his background, wasn't mature enough to take on the role of householder, breadwinner, husband & father. Because he's your first boyfriend, it is, of course, harder for you to leave - but my advice is that you do split up as a 'couple' and live in separate establishments (with parents?) and start again as b/f and g/f just dating and getting to know each other without the pressures of 'married' life. You both did it ALL too early and too quickly. Good luck

  • 3 weeks ago

     "I’m scared anything else I’ll try will end up like this."

    So you think a TERRIBLE relationship (and this IS a terrible one) is better than no relationship at all??

    WAKE UP, you cry, you are unhappy, there is NOTHING worth having here, this isn't love, this is a case of you have spent SO long making this mistake you cant see anything else "And we do love each other a lot, which makes everything hurt more." 

    This isnt love, this is habit, this fear

    He doesnt love you, he doesnt respect you.

    Can you honestly face this for the next 50 years of your life? what a waste.

    I'd far rather be alone and stand a chance at being happy than locked in this existence you have created for yourself.

    I am pretty sure when you dreamt of how your life would be, THIS isnt what you imagined at all. Only you can change this

  • 3 weeks ago

    Go down to the pub and sleep with some homeless types, it might make you feel cheap but at least you'll be able to reflect on your situation and gauge things a little better.

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