Teaching a 9 year old accountability?

What is the best way to teach a 9 year old to be accountable for themselves. My daughter seems to not want to do anything for herself. She makes constant excuses, blames others and is very lazy. I have to continuously write down passwords for her online games, continuously remind her to do things like taking a bath, washing her hair and changing her underwear. She whines and crys about doing the simplest things like having to wash out her own dishes, or even scratch her own foot. I just want her to understand that their are things that she can do for herself. Mom is here to help and guide but not cater to her every whim.

13 Answers

  • 1 month ago
    Favorite Answer

    Don’t do things for her. The next time you write down a password, say “This is the last time. I hope you learn it, because I won’t rescue you if you lose it.” Then do that. Suffer a little screaming, because you need to show her that actions have consequences.

    Sit her down and say, nicely, “You’re now old enough to take more responsibility for yourself. I’m sure you don’t want to keep fighting over what you need to do and I don’t want to fight either. So now you’re going to do the things you need to do. Instead of fighting, you’ll be earning the privileges that you want. It will be a trade. Do what you need to get what you want. This is how it works when you’re an adult, so you’ll start practicing now.”

    Learn how to shut off the internet in your home, and how to shut off games. Tell her that she can have the things she wants, like games, once she has showered, brushed her hair, tidied up, made her bed and done her homework. Tell her that if she complains, she doesn’t get those things for the rest of the day. Then do that. She’ll learn.

    Be willing to suffer some complaining. Learn to leave the room so you don’t need to hear it. Also, give her good attention when she’s good. Praise her when she does things. Give her NO attention when she’s bad.

    Do this now, because it will get worse when she’s a teen.

  • Anonymous
    2 weeks ago

    The Bible says at Galatians 6:7 - "Do not be misled; God is not one to be mocked.  For whatever a person is sowing, this he will also reap."  That's the key to teaching accountability.  Let her reap what she is sowing!  However, do so lovingly.  

    Here's a pretty cool article I found on parenting.  The title of the article is:

    Raising Considerate Children in a Me-First World


    It helped me and my family!


  • 1 month ago

    Love is the best nourishment.

    - Brahma Kumaris

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  • 1 month ago

    If she doesn't remember her passwords, she doesn't play the games. It's not rocket science

    And if she wants to go around stinking with smelly messed up hair, she will get ribbed by her classmates.

    If you run out of clean dishes, i guess she will either have to go out and buy paper plates for herself, or wash a dish?

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  • 1 month ago

    Kids don't really like maths. This will only be useful at tax time. dont force them into a career too early

  • 1 month ago

    When she asks for help, “help” her by directing her to what to do and how to do it. Don’t do it for her.

  • Faithe
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    This is actually pretty normal behavior for a nine-year-old. 

    For passwords, just as for studying for tests, get her to think of a pattern so the passwords are easier to remember.  (No one of any age can remember so many passwords; especially if they don't use them all all the time.)  Have her come up with a base word for all her passwords, then a system for changing what comes before and/or after.  Tell her there are tricks like that for studying for tests as well, such as remembering a sentence containing the first letters of the answers, or creating rhymes to remember things.  ...Or, simply have her write down her passwords on a piece of paper and keep this in one hidden spot.  I assume she's not guarding national securty level secrets, so so what if this is found by someone.  

    Wanting good hygiene also is not natural at this age:  they don't see the need for it.  Sure, try explaining the whys, but she probably still won't see it.  So now you have two things to do: 1) decide what's really important and what's not - for example, do you have her wash her whole body and hair every day even though she's not sweaty or dirty?  How about every three days, or twice per week on the same two days so she knows what to expect?  No, she does not have to change her socks every day, but yes, she has to change her underpants.  Skipping tooth-brushing is not an option because otherwise she'll lose her teeth.  Brushing hair - must be done before she goes out in public anywhere.  If it's to be a day at home she can skip it, but then must realize there will be more knots to take out the next day.  Things like that.

    Not wanting to do chores is also natural; none of us is born wanting to stop having fun and start doing something boring or difficult.  Let her know about some ot the things you don't like to do, and why you do them anyway.  Tell her how you cope, such as listening to music while you do a chore, or setting yourself a small goal on the way to your large one and allowing yourself a break to do something you like when you reach that goal.  

    Instill in her a sense of fairness: She wouldn't want to wash YOUR dishes, so why should you have to wash hers?  You didn't have her do some of these things before because she was little and you were afraid she wouldn't be able to do them right.  Now you see she's smart and knows what to do and you can count on her to be a help to the family.  ...When she does a chore right, tell her what a good job she did and what a help she was and how that makes you feel.  Get HER to feel pride in herself.  If she still doesn't want to do these things, that's still understandable.  Explain we all have to do things we don't like - go to work, whatever.  Make accommodations such as allowing her to pick the time she does something (but not just "later") or the way she does something (within reason), but insist she follow through.  She walks away from a chore and does not go back to it when asked?  Calmly pick her up and put her where the chore is and remind her that this is what she needs to do now - that she can do whatever else as soon as it's done, so the faster she does whatever, the more quickly she'll be able to do whatever she was going to do.

    In short, compromise when appropriate but then stick to your guns!  After a few months she'll get that this is the way life is.

    • Suzy Q
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      Faithe seems to be thinking about a much younger child. 'Calmly pick her up and put her where the chore is'? My kids are 5 and 7, and far too big for that.

      You can calmly pick up a toddler and put them somewhere else to redirect them to an acceptable activity, but not a 9 year old. 

  • 1 month ago

    Should a toddler at this age be responsible ?..And just HOW much ?... He probably should put his toys away on his own though .

  • 1 month ago

    Read "Love and Logic" by Foster Kline and Jim Fay, and begin to implement those principles.

    Let her know that if she loses her password, you are not going to help her reset it.  Further, she is not going to play games at all until her chores are done.

    If she chooses to whine about it, so be it. Whining has been working for her, so she has no reason or motivation to stop it. Making the logical consequences of her actions (or inactions) teach the lesson.

  • Linda
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Make out a daily schedule which includes the things you want to teach her like her hygiene, chores, homework, and also include fun things like hanging out with friends, watching tv, and playing video games. Set up a daily reward for if she does her schedule daily and makes a good effort she can earn a sticker. After 7 stickers she can earn a special treat like extra tv time or something else you know she likes to make her want to follow the schedule. This has worked with my son and you can print daily schedules off if you have excel or just create your own. It may take her a little while to get used to it but be patient. It will pay off in the long run.

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