Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

Should I apologize to my husband's friend's wife?

My husband's friends all have wives who work full time. I did too up until a year ago when we had our twins. I'm a dentist. I plan to practice again when they are old enough for preschool (aka can talk and tell me what is going on). I have been staying up to date by going to conferences etc.

Anyway, his friends wives have not been gracious about my switch to being a SAHM. They talk about the book Lean In and all of that as if I don't already know. They comment about how nice it must be.

I have been smiling and nodding because I literally couldn't care less what these women think. If they really believe working some nursing job is better than raising their kids, that is their perogative. In the more likely scenario that they are jealous, I don't need to rub salt.

My husband is very protective of me and even after telling him I don't care, the other night he finally said to one of the wives who was really being obnoxious to me. He told her that I made more last year than she will make in the next 10 years and that the stress of having a wife who didn't know how to sacrifice killed Sheryl Sandberg's husband so go enjoy that life if she wants it.

She cried and we left. He isn't apologetic at all and I don't know what to say. Should I reach out and apologize? Should I leave it alone? I only care because of my husband's friendship. My husband says leave it and that his friend said she had it coming.

11 Answers

Relevance
  • 1 month ago
    Best Answer

    Leave it. She had it coming. You do not have any reason here to apologize for yourself or for your husband. She didn't treat YOU like a friend. So, maybe she's not one.

  • 1 month ago

    Your husband's friend believes his wife was being catty and had no problem with what your husband did, so let it be. Your husband's friend knows his wife better than you do.

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    The tongue is a double edge sword and we cannot take back what we say to someone. Your husband really needs to go to her and tell her he is sorry and ask for forgiveness and he should THINK before he says something next time.

  • Linda
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Your husband was out of line and his comment was rude. If your working friends were making comments such as how nice it must be to not work, then you could say its actually every bit as challenging but I love being with my kids and wouldn't trade it in for working in my life as you see motherhood with young children as very important to you and being there for your kids without making your friend or friends feel bad. Your husband should apologize and reach out to her. If he wont, then you can call your friend and try to explain where he was coming from and how it got out of hand but it would be much better coming from him.

  • How do you think about the answers? You can sign in to vote the answer.
  • 1 month ago

    though not warranted no harm in

    ironing out wrinkles.

  • Juana
    Lv 4
    1 month ago

    I'd say leave it. Is her friendship to you a thing? Do you care to be around her regularly? If the answers to those questions are no, then just shake it off. I love that your husband and the husband of the woman defended you. Relax!!

  • Z
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    I agree with the two comments made above. Regardless of how protective your husband is about you, he shouldn't have said those mean things, it doesn't bespeak well of his dignity. Two wrongs never make a right. And you haven't mentioned anything about what this woman actually said to warrant such a rebuttal from your husband. As far as I can tell, what these women are saying about your SAHM status amounts to insinuations on your part. There is no clear insult or ridicule in their statements to you. All you said they said is "how nice it must be", but you seem to take everything they do and say to be patronizing or condescending to you because you're a SAHM. What if you are wrong? What if you are projecting your own insecurities about not working onto others and misreading their statements? Because even if their statements weren't so innocent, what's it to you? Why does it bother you so much what people think? If you were so confident about the choice you made to quit your career, there is nothing that anyone says that will rattle you. The same goes for your husband. It's clear that both of you are oversensitive about this topic, perhaps because you are not so sure about your decision. There are many women who have never worked, or who quit their job to become full-time mums and who do not plan on going back to work, nor do they regret their decision. They are happy continuing to be mother/wife to their family and are proud of their role as home-makers. These women don't doubt their choices and don't need external validation, and because they are secure in who they are you will not find them making excuses about why they are SATMs or being jealous of their female friends who have successful careers. They won't be trying to justify their unemployment status by claiming that they keep themselves up-to-date and are planning on going back to work as soon as their kids grow up, nor will you find them (or their husbands) bragging that they earned 10 times more money than others when they used to work. These kinds of statements all point to issues of insecurity. It might be helpful for you to take a sincere look at your personal choices, are you really happy with your decision? Because your husband's outburst is also indicative that he senses your deeper insecurity over your choice to put your career on hold. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM or a career woman, what matter is that it's what we truly want for ourselves.

    As per your question as to whether or not to apologize, it's not your role or responsibility to apologize - regardless of how embarrassing your husband's behaviour might have been to you. Maybe if he calms down later you could encourage him to apologize, not necessarily to save a friendship, but to correct his conduct - regardless of whether this woman "had it coming".

    • Z
      Lv 5
      1 week agoReport

      As someone who has her life figured out, she shouldn't be concerned about what people think about her employment status.. that's my point. But you're all riled up because I used the word 'unemployed', which really buttresses my point that some people are insecure about their job status.

  • 1 month ago

    I think some people need to be put in their place once in a while. The fact that her husband said she had it coming speaks volumes to me. I would just be happy to have a husband who cares enough to speak up. You're fine.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    1 - You're a Dentist who can't spell prerogative.

    2 - If you don't care, why are you continuing to have these conversations? I learned to say "Why are you so interested in my life?" and then walk away.

    3 - If you need your husband to protect you from meanness, how do you function as a Dentist, in professional surroundings.

  • Teal
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Your husband is the one who was rude and you aren't responsible for his friendships. An apology from you wouldn't mean anything. I would be disgusted if my spouse made comments like that regardless of the provocation.

Still have questions? Get your answers by asking now.