Am I ungrateful?
My husband and I are expecting our first baby. Plans with his career fell through a few months ago and we are forced to move back in with my parents until we get back on track. We have been very busy (both working full time, packing, and moving). It has left us with not much time to enjoy the pregnancy. My parents have been very supportive and I am so grateful. However- I feel bad because my mom recently made me feel like she overstepped her boundaries. Last weekend I started unpacking new baby shower items with her. My husband was at work and didn’t get to help. We are scheduled to move in with them in 3 days and the baby isn’t due for another 5 weeks. I told my mom last weekend 3x that “I wanted to wait to do anymore until we are moved in, and that I like doing this- it is fun for me and I want to get our stuff moved in so we can finish setting up”. Last night I called to say hi and found out my mom was going through our gifts and opening them/setting up. I feel guilty for not feeling appreciative. But I also feel like she is over stepping and not allowing my husband and I to enjoy this moment, when I was very clear about how we felt. Please help, I want to know if I am just being over sensitive before I say anything.
- 1 month agoBest Answer
You’re in the period of pregnancy where you’re nesting. I think you’re not being sensitive I think it’s quite normal to feel this way. She is overstepping the boundaries, and creating a space to bring a child into is something that should be enjoyed between the parents. I’d kindly let her know you need some space, so you can nest and prepare for delivery
- historyLv 74 weeks ago
Your Mother WAY Overstepped! People being your roommates in no way suggests you get to open up packages of gifts that are clearly designated for them! You do NOT need feel appreciative for that! But you do need to feel extremely appreciative for the fact that she's allowing you and your husband and a brand new baby take over her household for an indefinite amount of time. That's very generous. Opening up your gifts? Out of line.
- LindaLv 54 weeks ago
You are not being too sensitive. Your mom had no right to open your gifts and try to arrange things for you and your husband. That was your place and this could very well be a taste of things to come once you actually move in with them. Have a talk with mom and let her know how you feel and try to set some clear boundaries with her before you and your husband move in, or you may be looking for another residence before long.
- Anonymous1 month ago
My answer to this is yes and no. Your mom should not have done that. I'm sure it was something you wanted to do with your husband, and as a mom, she should have known this.
There's a much bigger problem here that you may not see, however. Your mom did this because it's her home and she can do what she wants in her home. In addition, she's giving you a roof over your head when she doesn't have to. This gives her even more power. So this isn't you and your husband with a newborn, happily starting your family. Mom will be there every step of the way, including how to take care of the baby. This almost never ends well. It's already stressful and the baby adds more stress.
I'm not trying to a jerk, but you've got some harsh reality to face. I don't know what you mean by your husband's plans fell through, but he needs to be working at least one full time job and one part time job to save every penny you possibly can as quickly as you can. If there's something you can do from home, you need to be generating income as well.
I have a friend who ended up in a similar situation and it took them over 2 years to escape. At one point, her husband actually left, but that was temporary. Talk to your husband and get on the same page with this.
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- bojLv 71 month ago
Both of you are wrong, you should appreciate that your mom is trying to lighten your load, and your mom should have respected your desire to unpack your babies things. Let it go you have a whole lifetime of things to pack and unpack for this child so dont get too bent out of shape over one little thing.
- DavidLv 61 month ago
OK, I can't answer this question, as it's not clear what "mom" is doing.
You talk about baby shower gifts. Were the gifts WRAPPED? Or did you previously unwrap the gifts? I need to know if your mother was the first person to see the gifts after they were unwrapped, or if you and hubby already saw the gifts, thanked the giver and then your "mom" was just pulling previously unpacked gifts out of packing boxes to arrange them...
There's a huge difference!!!
When a gift is given in the PROPER frame of mind, then it is (truly) better to give than to receive. You choose a gift hoping that the person you give it to will enjoy it, because seeing that person happy makes YOU, yourself...happy. That's what gift giving is about...it is about sharing happiness with someone, which (should) make you yourself happy, also.
So the important person, the one you need to be concerned about is not the "receiver" but the "giver". You don't want to disrespect your friends or relatives who gave you the gifts. They (the givers) expected YOU (and your husband, maybe) to open the gifts. They (the givers) were not expecting to make your MOM happy.
So it's possible that your mom made a huge mistake, if she was opening presents that were previously unopened.
But if you had opened the presents earlier, and "mom" was just unpacking presents that were opened at some point in the past...
Then I'd say "mom" has a little too much time on her hands. But her heart is in the right place.
To be clear, if she was opening presents in the sense that YOU, yourself, had not seen what the presents were yet, then that is just plain wrong. The presents were not meant for your mom.
But if you knew what the presents were as you had already "opened" them at some point in the past, then it's best to let this matter drop...
- chris nLv 71 month ago
No you aren't and I can see the situation is tricky. Your mother shouldn't have opened YOUR presents. Would you open hers on Xmas Day for instance? No, of course not. Obviously she thought she was doing you a favour and possibly didn't want your boxes and things lying around all over her house getting in her way for a while before you actually moved in with her - so it was probably a bit of both. It was convenient for her and she convinced herself it was something good she was doing for you at the same time. This is NOT your home though. This is HER home and you are just lodgers - even though you are a beloved daughter etc. You must tell her to stop because they are your husbands presents too and mention the Xmas Day thing. You are stopping her because she's not doing HIM a favour. It's rather fence-sitting.....but you are both now beholden to your parents for the home and help they are giving you. Make your stay with them a finite thing. Have a leaving date in mind and don't let it be open-ended because I foresee friction ahead for all of you.
- Barb OuthereLv 71 month ago
You need to talk to your Mum about being two adults sharing a home with them. That means she respects your things and when you say something about your things that is what happens. Having this talk sooner rather than later will help prevent more incidents where you feel she interferes.
- No MercyLv 71 month ago
I agree your mother overstepped the boundaries. she should have respected your wish. embrace yourself because when the baby is born it will be much, much worse from her side