Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 4 weeks ago

how can I harmonise the relationship between my mom and my husband?

My mom who is a widow stays close to me. every evening I bring her to our place and she leaves in the morning. this has been happning for many years. now the problem is that my hubby says he has had enough of this arrangement and his reasons are-

1. he's out of town every alternate month and wishes to have privacy with his family when he's home

2. we don't get the kind of respect that we deserve

3. he feels my mom and sis are manipulative

4. he feels that whenever she's sick we r made to take care of her whereas my sis backs out

5. she doesn't respect our boundaries and takes us for granted

His reasons are valid but now he doesn't talk to her at all now.

my relationship with her has never been great but at the same time I can't stop caring for her. Since I have to be on my own when my hubby is away for work, there r times when I have to take her help.I can't break ties with my mom...shes my mom all said n done.

this is creating a lot of tension between me and my husband. he doesn't want her around but I can't tell her abruptly to stop coming to our place. when the kids ask for her, he starts shouting at them....he doesn't like when I have tea with my mom in the morning in her room and wants me to be with him. All this is causing so much stress in our relationship. I have started setting boundaries to an extent but after a while start feeling guilty about it.

I want some harmony in relationships...also don't want my relationship with my husband to be affected.

Update:

How to deal with my husband not getting along with my mom

12 Answers

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  • David
    Lv 6
    4 weeks ago
    Best Answer

    Can you read what you wrote?

    "1. he's out of town every alternate month and wishes to have privacy with his family when he's home"

    This is not just a wish. It is a right. You and your mom are violating your husband's privacy. You are also allowing your mom to violate the privacy of your marriage.

    "2. we don't get the kind of respect that we deserve"

    Of course not. You don't have the privacy that you need. And familiarity breeds contempt. A marriage can not survive when the parents are living under the same roof.

    "3. he feels my mom and sis are manipulative "

    Yup. But beyond that, he's allowing his wife to be manipulative, also. I don't know why he hasn't filed for divorce, yet. Nobody in his house shows him the respect that he deserves. He must be just about out of his mind with stress that is starting to kill him.

    "4. he feels that whenever she's sick we r made to take care of her whereas my sis backs out "

    This is yet another problem, but it's related to the primary problem. You are not living in your own home. You are living in your mom's home. Yes, it is your mom's home. It doesn't matter what name is on the deed to the land you live on. In actual day to day life, the building you live in is your mom's home.

    "5. she doesn't respect our boundaries and takes us for granted "

    Why should she? The way you treat her, it is your mom's house...not yours. She can do whatever the frick she wants to in her own house. You and your husband are the unwelcome guests here.

    "His reasons are valid"

    Lady, what you SAY is in direct conflict with what you DO. You know what is right, but you're doing the exact opposite.

    You say your husband is not talking with your mom, how do you solve that? YOU DO NOT SOLVE THAT.

    Let me hit you upside the head with a CLUE-BY-FOUR.

    WHO did your husband marry? Did he marry your family? (BZZZZZZT!!!!!!!!!!, try again) The people who honestly believe that you marry me, you marry my whole family...tend to get divorced very quickly.

    A marriage is about two people starting a new family together. Your husband married YOU. But now, he is in a very high-stress situation where he's actually living with three different women, and he's only married to one of them. If he hasn't exited stage right a long time ago...then he's got the patience of a saint.

    In fact, the primary reason that he hasn't divorced you yet is that you say he's away from home a lot. So those times when he's away from home are his "normal" and when he's home he has to deal with ...

    Unnecessary insanity.

    Look, what you need to focus on is the phrase "privacy with his family when he's home ". Without it, a marriage can not survive. No, it can't. If it hasn't failed yet, it is because he escapes the He77 of his home life every month, which has allowed him to (so far) maintain some semblance of sanity. But he's reaching his breaking point.

    You have a choice to make, and it could not be clearer. You have to divorce your mother and your sister. OR, you have to divorce your husband. If you choose to do nothing, then your HUSBAND will make the choice for you, and you will not like it...

    • David
      Lv 6
      3 weeks agoReport

      Well, rainbow...you were in a bad situation with no good solution. You chose your marriage over your mother, which is right. Of course, your mother doesn't see it that way. But your other choice would have been to divorce your husband. Then your husband would be upset. No winning.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Clearly you are valuing your relationship with your mother over your marriage, you should divorce and be you mother's slave 24/7.

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    If your mother needs supervision at night, then hire someone to care for her overnight. I will have to side with your husband. There is no reason your mother HAS to come over every night of the week. Your husband has a valid point - no private time with you or family with your mother at your house every night.

  • 4 weeks ago

    If you have to choose between your husband, the father of your children and the provider of the family.. or your Mom, you choose your husband. Make other arrangements for your Mom. Bring her in for a couple of hours several days a week and take her to lunch several times a month. Make sure she's well. But since your husband does not want her living with you, make other arrangements for your Mom.

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  • Linda
    Lv 5
    4 weeks ago

    If this has been going on for many years, it may be difficult now to get him to get along better. It is usually better to work on relationship problems at the beginning when you notice problems rather than several years later once people have become set in their ways. Perhaps your husband has secretly resented you bringing your mother over every day and having her spend the night? Talk to him and ask him how he feels and why he isnt getting along with her and then try to work out a solution for all concerned. Maybe have her over once or twice a week would give you and your husband more time to yourself and keep him in a better mood when she is there.

  • Anonymous
    4 weeks ago

    "also don't want my relationship with my husband to be affected."

    Wow. You need some tough love, lady, because your husband sounds like a saint. On the above....denial much? I'm shocked he hasn't left you!

    What you don't see is that every single time she is there and he doesn't want her there, you are putting mommy ahead of him and your kids. This isn't what marriage is about. Of course he wants privacy with his family. What you don't see is he shouldn't have to even say it. In most marriages, it's a given.

    You say part of the reason you do this is because you have to rely on mom occasionally. I doubt that's true, simply because I can't think of anything she could provide that couldn't be done by someone else. I'm guessing this is just an excuse.

    You need to get your priorities in order like yesterday, and your sister isn't part of this. If your mom can't function without the help of you or sis, she needs to be in a facility. Somehow I don't think this is the case, though. Figure out what it takes to get her out of your home and do it. Like very quickly.

    • David
      Lv 6
      4 weeks agoReport

      "Of course he wants privacy with his family. What you don't see is he shouldn't have to even say it. In most marriages, it's a given."

      NAILED IT!!! This husband really is a saint...considering the marriage is still (somehow) intact.

  • 4 weeks ago

    The only thing that can help you is getting your mother to stay with your sister whenever he is home. Choosing to have tea with your mother in the morning is choosing her over him and he is supposed to be the most important person in the world to you. Your marriage is fixing to fall apart, you need to talk to your mother.

  • YKhan
    Lv 7
    4 weeks ago

    You said that she has a place near you? If so, then why does she stay with you overnight? Let her go home at night and sleep in her own place. She can come over during the day, when your husband is away at work.

  • 4 weeks ago

    Hate to say it but I hope this ends well. Because although you are spending a lot of time with your mom this is something that can be remedied. You can slowly get her to give you guys more time as a family. What is not good is him showing his dislike for your family in front of the kids and making such a big deal about you having family. If you continue to bend over backwards and distance yourself from your family for him you will end up having to do worse for him. It Is okay to not like your in laws but not okay to alienate your spouse so they can do what you want. He is pretty much forcing you to get rid of them. And I’m telling you if you do that you will need those same family members one day to help you after a failed marriage with that same man. he is only trying to isolate you from your support system but you don’t see that yet. Good luck

    • David
      Lv 6
      4 weeks agoReport

      The only boundaries crossed have been those that interfere with the husband's right to privacy in his marriage. If anything, the husband has shown remarkable restraint so far, in dealing with the situation.

  • 4 weeks ago

    You mentioned your sister. Does she also stay over at night at your place, too.  You do have a problem, but I also think that your husband should realize that your mom is with you when he is away. It seems that you need to try making some arrangement for your mom and sister to not stay every night at your place when your husband is at home. Try talking to him about this and he ought to not be angry about this at all.

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