My cousins wedding, am I being petty?

My cousin is getting married this weekend, and I will be traveling 600 miles for this wedding. I am one of the groomsman and I am the only groomsman who lives 600 miles away. When me and the other groomsman were talking about tux rentals, I mentioned the 99 dollar tux rental since most of us were limited on funds.  Since I was not with them all when they picked out the tuxes, they decided to go with the 200 dollar tux instead, which I of course have to pay for.

Now from what I am hearing, the bride's side of the family is very well to do, and they were the ones who wanted this tuxedo wedding.  We are now almost at the wedding deadline, and my cousin has all these last minute plans like pictures etc. 

My main complaint, is there is no PAID rehearsal dinner, but my cousin asks my 82 year old grandmother to cater their rehearsal dinner. I was like wow. She lives on a fixed income.

Not only that, I come to find out the reception is in the back yard of a restaurant, serving picnic style hamburgers and hot dogs, and not even an open bar of wine or beer.  "Cash bar" only.  My grandmother is also in charge of making sides for this "reception dinner". Am I being petty and selfish for being annoyed I had to pay all this money for a tux and they can't even have catered food or an open bar at the reception? Would I be selfish for not leaving them a cash gift and give my grandmother money instead? If money is limited, I think forcing a tux on us should have been out of the equation.

18 Answers

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  • Eva
    Lv 7
    1 month ago
    Best Answer

    If the bride's family is well to do, why is the reception so tacky? Give your cousin and his bride a token gift and give the money to your grandmother. If would be nice if you could help her out with the labor part of things as well.

    • g
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      Not sure what the family's finances have to do with your chosen gift to the bride and groom. No host is obligated to provide guests with open bar or anything other than basic refreshment. To be all pissy over it - and encourage that in others - is about as petty as it gets.

  • 1 month ago

    you cant afford this foolishness let them know!!!!!!!!!!

  • 1 month ago

    Yes, you are being petty and mixing up a lot of different issues:

    1. You should have asked about costs and be upfront with your cousin about what you could and could not afford BEFORE agreeing to be a groomsman.  

    2.  NO gift is ever required at a wedding.  Give or don't.  If you do, give whatever you feel comfortable giving.  

    3.  What your cousin and his bride decided to do for their wedding and reception and what your gran agreed to provide is their business, not yours.  Your grandmother isn't an indentured servant.  She could have refused to cover expenses, but she didn't.  

  • 1 month ago

    Give your grandmother the money and help her out too. My parents paid for everything at my sisters wedding its the brides parents responsibility a long time ago. At my other sister's wedding she paid for some things and so did my grandmother who was on a fixed income and I didn't like that either. I was 16 and my grandmother called asking for money... I didn't even have a job or allowance. Please help your grandma.

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  • 1 month ago

    I agree parts of this are borderline, but technically the couple has not done anything completely gauche. There's nothing wrong with a casual reception, but requiring groomsmen to wear tuxes (even the cheap ones) is stupid. However, if the $200 strains your budget, you did have the option to tell them this and back out. On cash bars, this is regional. Where I live, they're considered extremely tacky. It may not be the same elsewhere.

    My biggest question has to do with poor grandma. Your thought of offering her money is well intended, but you seem to think she did this out of obligation and it will be a financial hardship. How sure are you about these things? I ask because not everyone gets to see a grandchild's wedding, and she might be thrilled at the chance of having an important role.

    If you do offer her money, don't do it at the wedding and do not tell her this was wedding gift money. That puts her in a tough spot, and she doesn't need to know it. Instead, wait until you get back home and mail it to her, telling her how great the food was and you just wanted to help with costs.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Yes, you are. Not your wedding, not your decision or your business.

    $150-200 is average for a tux rental for a wedding.

    The brides families income is irrelevant (and also none of your business). The only one's responsible for wedding & reception costs is the couple being married, if anyone offers to help with the expenses that's fine but nobody is obligated to.

    A rehearsal dinner is traditionally hosted by the groom's family and is not mandatory.

    A cash bar is not uncommon, you're not owed unlimited free drinks.

    Pictures for a wedding are not last minute plans, I've never been in (or to) a wedding where they didn't take pictures.

    As far as grandma catering or doing whatever, that's between him and her. Just because she's cooking doesn't mean she's paying and if she is, that is her choice to.

    Overall, I'm calling BS on your question here over this.. "My grandmother is also in charge of making sides for this "reception dinner"", because you say it's at a restaurant and a restaurant wouldn't allow you to bring in your own food for an event you're having there.

  • 1 month ago

    I think you need to develop a backbone. I would state to your cousin that $200 tuxedos and the food that your grandmother is providing are NOT IN YOUR BUDGET. You can not afford this. Straight out. Ask them if they have any ideas?

  • Mikey
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    This kind of thing is exactly why I always seem to have a business trip when someone is getting married.

  • 1 month ago

    You are right, they are idiots, skip the wedding!

  • 1 month ago

    im not close to my cousins

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