Maid of Honor backout 5 1/2 weeks out?

My childhood friend asked me to be her MOH almost two yrs ago (she's been with her fiancé for 7, engaged for 2). We have a toxic friendship but I didn't know how to turn it down.

She has always been selfish, manipulative, & we have drifted apart. I barely know her anymore & have only met her fiancé 3 times. She is not a friend I want to have.

Her wedding activities have been a nightmare & her demands have been over the top. She wanted everyone to take a week off for her bachelorette and fly across the country for it. When I suggested some more practical options she turned them down. And laughed at me when I said that's fine if everyone else wants to go, but I can't. As if it was a stupid suggestion. She asked me to fly to the city where she lived to zip up a dress she ordered in the mail "cause her fiancé can't see it" & I turned that down too. Things like that.

We got in 2 huge fights on the phone (I was at a breaking point). We ended up driving 5 hours away for her bach to a very expensive place & I spent over 2 grand on the weekend. On the last night we got in our 3rd fight (really her doing). She told me to "find my own way home." We "made up" so I figured I'd grin and bare it til the wedding.

Last weekend she took a different bridesmaid to her wedding dress fitting & didn’t tell me. I texted her a very nice text asking if she would rather that girl be her MOH & I would have no grudges. She won't discuss it. Is it too late to back out? Idk what to do. :(

16 Answers

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  • g
    Lv 7
    1 month ago
    Best Answer

    You accepted two years ago - That has to have been an interesting ride, to get you to this point. Bless you, I know how hard it must be but I hope you can get some firm boundaries in place going forward. Not just with her, but others. Kindness is too often taken as weakness and some will always abuse it. Finding and enforcing your own boundaries will be your friend!

    At any point in time, you could (and probably should) have said No. You can't, you won't, you just don't have it, but No. No explanation needed - for normal people. Her demands aren't yours to fund. Bachelor party she might have wanted but that would've been a hard no for me. I wouldnt have hedged or pretended, much less fork out that kind of money. She'd just have to get over it. But here we are, at the home stretch so to speak.

    Honestly, if it were me I'd prob suck it up and get through this wedding with grace, dignity, and refusal to engage any drama. I'd take it as the lesson it seems to be abd out on a happy face.

  • GEEGEE
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    I'd be inclined to go through with it at this point. You've invested time and money already so it would seem wasteful to just back out now. Lesson learned better late than never, that she's a selfish brat.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    cut her off right now. like, literally. no more. block, delete. you don't think I'm serious? because I'm serious. I don't care if her wedding is soon or whatever. just disappear.

  • 1 month ago

    You seem to enjoy drama and martyrdom.

    I don’t really see why a dress shopping trip NOW is somehow your magic breaking point, after all the much more serious BS you’ve gone through.

    Do what you want, but realize that bailing out at this point is a friendship ending move.

    Plus, if your intention is to step down as MOH and be a regular bridesmaid or a guest ... well, there’s no fucxkxking point to that (other than to cause a scene and draw attention to yourself - which I suspect is the case here) because you’ll still be spending the money and effort to attend the wedding and you’re still going to be doing her a favor. Plus if you’re just a guest then you’ve flushed the bridesmaid dress money right down the toilet.

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  • 1 month ago

    You MAY do whatever you want to do.  It is rude and immature to back out on any commitment.  You've spend the last two years allowing bridezilla to bully you -- that's on you. It is time for you to take a stand.  Either accept that you've play a role in this and that the wedding isn't really that big a deal since you've already invested most of the time and money - OR - you call her and say you're done and will not be attending the wedding or following through as a MoH.   

    Only you know how angry you are and whether or not you can execute your responsibilities as a MoH given how you feel.  If you can't, then tell the bride and move on.  If you can, do it and take the whole thing as a cautionary tale and life lesson not to be repeated.  

  • 1 month ago

    Its entirely up to you if you're going to back out but I dont see the point.

  • 1 month ago

    This is so over the top it's almost hard to believe, but I'm talking about you as much as her. This might be the most passive aggressive thing I've ever seen!

    I don't get why you said yes in the 1st place, but since then, you've had multiple chances to bail on this. In other words, the worse you make her sound (and she sounds awful) the more puzzling your choices are. If you spent 2 grand on her bach, do you really not see what this says about YOU?

    On the PA stuff, your entire question was about her insane expectations and then, when she asks someone else to look at dresses, NOW you decide it's time to bail?!?

    On what to do, you said in a comment you were trying to be nice, and I'm sure that's true. But there's a fine line between that and being a doormat, and you definitely crossed that line.

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You can do as you please but she's going to hate you for it. People who spend two full years planning the wedding are a little hoopty to begin with. Engagements aren't supposed to last longer than 12 months.

    • Jerry
      Lv 6
      1 month agoReport

      I disagree strongly with the idea that engagement and wedding planning are one and the same. That's wedding industry bull biscuit to keep engaged pairs so distracted with wedding planning as to omit the year(s) of 'marriage lite' that could reveal the unwisdom of the pair marrying.

  • 1 month ago

    I would back out, you have wasted enough time and money with no appreciation, let her find someone else.

  • 1 month ago

    My goodness aren't you a wimp. What is wrong with you? When you were kids you were mates with this girl and then grew out of the friendship. Did you go? No you stayed. Why? Too frightened of your own shadow to make a stand? You obviously know her well and don't like her. She equally doesn't like you. Is it for the 'look' of things that she invited you to be MOH? And for the same reason you agreed? She's as stupid as you. YOu have had ample opportunity to fall out with her and walk away.....but you haven't. You've even wasted 2K on HER weekend? Again. What is wrong with you? She dumped you and you made your own way home. You are a masochist. Another opportunity to tell her to get stuffed. Have you decided to get your own back as close to her wedding as possible and walk out at the 11th hour? That is the only reason I can see that you are maybe doing all this. If you dump her now she has 5.5 weeks to get herself a better MOH and you won't have to see her ever again.....but I bet you won't do it. You are in the habit of playing silly sods with this girl and she with you. You are as bad as each other and you deserve each other

    • Sally1 month agoReport

      Although it does put it into perspective. She feeds off of people with low self-esteem, that used to be me. But isn't anymore. Perhaps this is just what I needed to hear, although rather harsh.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    "She asked me to fly to the city where she lived to zip up a dress she ordered in the mail "cause her fiancé can't see it" & I turned that down too"

    then

    "Last weekend she took a different bridesmaid to her wedding dress fitting & didn’t tell me."

    I am confused did she move closer between these two dates? You turned her down due to distance then you are asshurt because she didn't invite you to the fitting....either ways she still sounds like a piece of work - not sure why she asked you and likely you two will go your separate ways after her wedding and she uses you as needed....so I see no issues with backing out and not going to the wedding at all - very awkward to attend after bowing out though.

    • Sally1 month agoReport

      And she has moved all over the country for various reasons.

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