Fact check, it's not what you hope to hear, but it's got so many mistakes that I could barely make it through two paragraphs.
Here's a few pro tips:
-Use your word processor's spelling and grammar check. None is perfect, but any grammar check would have caught a lot of your mistakes.
-Don't show your work to anyone until you cannot make it better.
-Master punctuation and capitalization of dialogue, because if you don't, you'll fail.
-Watch verb tenses and pick one. You've got present and past going, without a flashback.
Discouraging to hear, of course, but the main goal is to complete a first draft, then go back and fix everything that's not perfect. First drafts are meant to be terrible if that's how you work.They're just not meant to be shown around.