I have an ex friend who is harassing me.. what can I do?
I have an ex friend who won't leave me alone. This girl is not my friend now for a reason - she's been extremely aggressive to me over nothing and is doing everything she can now to make my life hell. She is also trying to involve her boyfriend and my boyfriend in this as they are best friends, as well as talking about me to our boyfriends' friendship group, trying to get people on side against me - I'm constantly hearing what she's been saying to people about me. I'm not confrontational or nasty by any stretch, and during the 6 month long period this has been going on, all I have done is apologised to her for nothing in the hope she may leave me alone. Her confrontational messages have caused me so much anxiety that I just want her out of my life. Today she has sent me 3 long messages on Instagram.. I don't want to hear from her again but it's difficult because our boyfriends are friends. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? There's so much more to this story but there isn't room for me to write it all.
- Anonymous9 months ago
You need to ditch all your mutual friends so you will have no strings attached whatsoever, break up with your boyfriend if he's not willing to stop talking to her boyfriend.
- -Lv 79 months ago
Did you block her on social media? Did you block her phone number? That would be the logical thing to do.
- Care411Lv 69 months ago
You are clearly not an idiot. However, exactly what is going on matters a lot. She sounds confrontational, nasty and pretty $(%*ing toxic. I have no idea, you left out lots of details. But it sounds like insecurity and jealousy. Jealousy can be based on perception too. If she thinks you are more confident, have a better man (BF), better in school, sports, dress better or even look better. If she is dumb enough to make it up she can convince herself it is real.
Like I said, while more information could have been provided: How is she aggressive, what started it, when, did you notice problems at the start (what), does she need to be center of attention - what did the 3 page letter say that sounds psychotic (lol). You seem pretty mature and intelligent - you might not be and you could be a troll. I will assume that is untrue though (troll).. Unlike most people are or will tell you ignoring her won't make it go away. You have been doing this, trying to ignore her and make effort to do the right thing to calm her down. Is it working?
Typically it makes it worse. You said a few interesting "text book" (typical) things. Why ignoring her won't work is pretty simple. She is trying to hurt, isolate, humiliate you (possibly a few other things). She is enjoying your reaction (passive, no action, apologizing; accepting blame). I'd assume she was never really a friend could that be true? I am sure she is not very smart but she might have saw you were someone she could use. The worst thing you can do is ignore/avoid her.
The more she pushes you or tries to hurt you the bigger and stronger she feels. When you do not do anything she uses this to justify her action (look she is letting me) and makes her feel stronger / more in control. I do not know if you could kick her $#% if you really needed. But it is pretty clear despite a big mouth, tears, lies and drama she probably won't show up at your house with a bat. She is enjoying the verbal stuff. The longer and harder she pushes you down the more it validates her. Like you noticed she wants to do it in front of groups (public). She wants to impress people, project power or just get their attention. Everything she says is probably a lie. She does it publicly because others see (or hear it). When they see you doing nothing they assume she is right about what she says and she is better and you were weaker. Even if they know it is not true your boyfriend, friends and her friends hear her starting this drama and know you are not directly trying to stop it - This is great for her and 100% what she wants / needs. Its like a high/hit off a joint. The longer you do nothing the more she feels she is winning. People will begin to take her side and that is the plan.
Does that make sense? She is getting off on and enjoying her perception she is in control and you are scared/won't do anything. She needs people to see this (so she engages others). You see and feel this right? Even if she is not getting it, eventually she probably does. She is doing it to be accepted by the group and isolate you. You need to take that 'control' away. There are 100 things you might do depending on her.
You don't allow some nasty wh*re or ignorant b*tch do this. The longer it goes on the more they see/think its working and it does get much worse. You stand up a bit. It is technically "stooping" to her level. Really though it is pushing back on drama and garbage.
Dress better and look better than she does. If there is anything you do better throw it at her publicly when you can. Better at sports, have nicer clothes, more confident or better grades who knows. Mention these things when you are near her - Especially when other people are near. You are not being rude or mean. You are reminding and showing her you are just as good (actually you are better). With your male & female friends you want to be more memorable. Think about TV shows we love the "mean girl" type shows with drama and jealousy. People naturally remember those type of people. You want to be a bit more memorable. Anything to make yourself stand out, be over the top helpful, be around them more often, ask for their opinion on things (clothes, projects, music or book you want to read). It is not needed but flirting or being more playful is great.
You are not remotely being aggressive. Just slowly taking her spotlight over 3-4 weeks. You are stepping in showing people you are great, making yourself more positive & memorable. You are pushing back at her with jealousy which also sends a great signal to others (you are as good or better). Your BF sees this too. Its good to see your girl stand up.
You do not trash talk her. But every time she says something negative or you hear about it. You must reply. Replying when she is there infront of a group is best (almost necessary). "I heard X" - "You know that is not true". You are shutting her down. Even if fake you want to appear more confident and secure. Notch up the jealousy where you can looking/feeling/doing better than her. Ask your man if he prefers a GF who stands up for him and herself or one who does not. People respect this, a leader does that. With your BF (man there, if he is jealous type) talk to her BF. Don't flirt but be overly polite, listen, smile - he is a part of her. You can't avoid him either. Guys talk, he might on occasion say good things to your BF. He will realize all the BS she has been saying is garbage.
There is a lot you do, just depends whats going on. That is my general thoughts when I've helped others before. While it is stooping to her level she clearly cares about her social image. Anything you can do to embarrass her really shuts her down and picks you up. None of this is violent. It is aggressive but not in your face. It is playful, fearless and "passive aggressive". You are not looking to fight. Wish you told us more. It is really tough might really take 3-4 weeks of escalating things like this. Eventually your friends naturally look to you and ignore her (which she will hate). You could hurt her at that point (revenge). but that really is not needed.
- LoganLv 59 months ago
Cut her off. Block her number and all her social media. Stop entertaining her bullsh*t and only ever correct what she says about you when someone asks you about it. Don't engage.
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- Anonymous9 months ago
Stop Reading her messages. Returning all her messages to her, stating that you will not and did not read them. And block her from contacting you in all ways
I recommend that you confront her directly and state if she does not stop harassing you, you will either go to the police or get a restraining order against her. Tell her that you no longer want anything to do with her.
- tellitlikeitisLv 79 months ago
Don't stoop to her low level, no matter how she tries to provoke you into doing that. Delete any messages immediately you receive them and don't read them as it will tempt you to respond. Even if she tries to involve other people to make them hate you, just pretend it isn't happening. Bullies hate lack of attention. It starves them of their oxygen.
Then there is one brief flurry, in which they try being nastier and nastier to try and provoke a response from you, and that's when you have to be strongest. But when that's done, she will become silent as there's nothing more unsatisfactory than for someone to show you they couldn't care less about you, in good or bad.
- David B.Lv 79 months ago
My advice is to get off social media completely. If you aren't reading her messages they won't be upsetting you. As for your"boyfriend" if it were me I'd tell him "if you aren't for me, you're against me" if he is too much of a coward to stick up for you by telling these people to stop their harassment then you should cut him out of your life as well. It's time to play hardball with all of them and let them know you mean business.