Is this considered cheating in a relationship?

Ive been dating my bf for 3.5 yrs. I’ve been doubting his interest & excitement in me lately. I went into his iPad & saw old vids of his ex of 3 yrs who he apparently couldn’t stand where they were simply just talking & he was filming her. He never did that with me. I do w/ him tho. He only takes embarrassing ones of me...which I don’t mind because we do it to each other but I’m the only one who seems to. He also mentioned to me in the past that they had sex a lot & in the video they made sexual comments to each other....something I only do towards him but don’t get in return. I try to be exciting & always do sweet things for him & please him sexually and emotionally. He said he’s never had a gf that has shown him so much appreciation & treated him this well. But we have sex MAYBE once a week unless he tries when he’s sleeping because he gets sexsomnia

Now the real issue, 8 months ago I found a message from him to a girl’s IG account. She has 18k followers & sends porn videos of herself if you request them, so there was no conversation or any flirting at all. Just emojis. since it’s not an actual porn star & it’s literally videos from a random girl you would see on the street is this considered a type of cheating?

I understand porn, I watch it. I don’t have a problem with that but this is getting nudes & videos from another random girl. Idk what to do or feel. We just bought a house together & the next talked about stage is marriage. How do I consider this in that aspect?


Just wanted to clarify, we got a house together, but he actually bought the house. We didn't want to get legally tied to something since we aren't married and just in case something didn't work out between us. But I pay a portion of the mortgage and decisions aren't made for the house without me. And we're still working towards being as happy as we can before he puts a ring on it. And we don't agree with getting married as a problem solver either.

5 Answers

  • Janet
    Lv 7
    5 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    After 2-4 years, the infatuation always has died out .. if not before then.

    Of COURSE his excitement has died out.

    NOW the challenge is to see if you two truly ARE suitable for each other and can start building a trust and partnership that starts to grow actual lasting love.

    You two will only last if both of you are relationship material AND are suitable as partners.

    I am not going to read this huge long question.

    Men are visual in their sexuality, and are usually horny most of the time. It is natural for them to look and engage in fantasy.

    What YOU need to draw the line at is meeting these girls in person, or him actually making out or having sex with them.

    Since he is having a difficult time adjusting to the dying-out of the infatuation phase, and since he apparently is a little scared of the commitment of buying a house and thinking about marriage .. and since YOU are not comfortable with his extracurricular activity ....

    for now put all marriage plans on hold. Instead get some premarital and couple's counselling to see how well you two actually ARE (or aren't) suited as marriage partners.

    It's a shame you bought a house together before you two married. It is 4X harder to get out of a relationship when you own a house and aren't married. Since you aren't spouses, the Courts cannot order a sale of the property so that both of you can walk away with your share of the investment.

    But do NOT consider marriage until these issues have been put to rest ... for BOTH of you.

    And if he won't go for couple's counseling then there is nothing TO work on ... which means it is time to sell the house and go your separate ways.

    Marriage is THE hardest thing we can ever do because it requires both parties to face their own emotions and change and master their own reactions. To set aside selfish interests too, for the sake of that third entity .. the marriage.

    And only 12.5% of all marriages end up happy AND lasting, so don't rush in if there are problems BEFORE you two are even married. It is just a recipe for divorce (which is much stickier than just breaking up).

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    Unless he's having sex with other people it's not cheating. But he's def not ready for marriage.

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    Well, cheating is anything someone does they wouldn't do in front of their partner. So yeah, this qualifies.

    But you have a much bigger problem than what to call it, and it's what you said in your last paragraph. The 2 of you have some serious disconnects in your relationship, and your solution is a house together and talk about marriage!?! People sometimes think taking major relationship steps will solve underlying problems, but that's backwards. This is why experts of all kinds (couples counselors, financial advisors, atty's) beg people not to make major purchases as a couple until you have the legal protections of marriage built in.

    It sounds to me like the 2 of you need to put marriage talk on hold and get some couples counseling. One good test of how much you need that is to read your question again. If there's even one thing in there you haven't said to him, this is your proof you aren't communicating at a mature, adult level. Communication is the key to everything else, including sex.

    EDIT: I'm just going by your own words. Re-read the beginning, where you say you feel like he's losing interest. I've been married almost 15 years and sure, things do change over time. But I have never, ever felt he's losing interest (and vice versa). Also, if the probs began with the iPad, why did you mention the stuff from 8 months ago?

    I'm not trying to be a female dog here! I'm just trying to help you sort through this and that always starts with brutal self honesty and good communication. If you haven't mentioned the iPad stuff to him, this is the type of thing that at least sends up a red flag.

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    • sparkle92195 months agoReport

      No I completely understand where you’re coming from! I appreciate the honesty. This all happened at the same time. 8 months ago is when HE requested videos from that porn Instagram. I didn’t see the message for them and the old videos of his ex Gf until a few days ago in his iPad.

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  • 5 months ago

    Hey man i use to be like you and your boyfriend. To be honest i was worst than you boyfriend but here's the truth about me and the truth about you. I was living in sin. In the eyes of God you are both. wrong.because you are having sex outside of marriage. I was also a porn addict which is also sin. When a guy watches porn it means he is a freak and is eventually going to do things that he never thought he would because like drugs the same ole usual thing isnt going to satisfy him anymore. Which means soon even you wont be able to satisfy him anymore and he will soon leave you or cheat on you. You guys should repent like i did and get married but before you get married you need to seek God to deliver you guys from this porn watching thing because getting married doesn't stop the problem which come with consequence unless God cleanses that persons mind and makes them new. Your boyfriend will fall less and less inlove with you the more he watches porn. Jesus set me free from being a porn addict now i dont watch porn and i know He will do the same to all who confess their sins and believe on Him.

    Hebrews 13

    4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

    1 John 1:9

    “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    You sound really nice, and he shouldn't be doing that.

    Believe me, I'm crazy I do all kinds of things, but I'm not in a committed relationship and I didn't buy a house with anyone. He needs to stop all of it including the porn, or you guys need to go your separate ways. YOU need to tell him that, no second chances

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