Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 6 months ago

Improve this sentence for me?

I looked up to see my master looming over my shoulder, holding a chain in her hand that she connected to me

(Basically im trying to say that a chain is connected to my character's neck like a leash.)

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  • 6 months ago
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    First, let me teach you about filtering. It's the point of view character telling the reader what sense she used to experience what's happening, or that she used her brain to figure something out or remember something. Not only does it add needless words, but it adds "psychic distance" between the reader and the character's experiences. You can look for the words that commonly filter: knew, thought, considered, regarded, wondered, noticed, was aware, sensed, felt, saw, hoped, realized, smelled, heard and it seemed, looked like, appeared, was obvious/apparent. Decide on a case-by-case basis whether it's there to filter the point-of-view character's experience, and if it is, rewrite it.

    So we'll start with getting rid of what the POV character used to determine what her master was doing. That leaves something like: My master loomed over my shoulder, holding a chain that connected to my collar. (Or whatever there is to connect it to.)

    Is this sexual material? A master must be male, or present as male, and in a submissive character's point of view, the title is capitalized. A "female master" is generally a Mistress, Madam, Domme, or similar title, also capitalized.

    The reader needs to know more that what the POV character sees. If she feels the need to look up at her Mistress, it's for a reason. Did she feel new weight on a collar? Hear chain clink? Feel eyes on her?

    And last, get some feeling in there. How does the narrator react to being chained at the neck, both physically and emotionally?

    Source(s): Professional erotica author
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  • 6 months ago

    It's not at all clear whether the chain was already 'connected' to the character's neck when they woke up, or whether the 'master' 'connected' the chain to the character after they looked up and saw her..

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  • 6 months ago

    I awoke the next day, to see my master glaring over my shoulder, holding a chain which I was bound to

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  • Tina
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    If the looming person is 'her' and 'she', surely she's the speaker's mistress

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  • 38lsb
    Lv 6
    6 months ago

    Well if it's supposed to be in the first person then it would be more appropriate to use words like massa instead of master and look instead of looked.

    • Tina
      Lv 7
      6 months agoReport

      To use 'look' puts it into the present tense. This has nothing to do with it being n the first person.

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    I looked up to see my master looming over my shoulder holding the chain that connected us in her hand.

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