How does a difficult, absolutely confusing and painful sexuality (as a group of general pattern types) normally 'behave'? Any insight for me?

If sexuality and sexual feelings (all the way to the most basic patterns) are only uncomfortable and intensely confusing for someone or if they're mixed with a lot of intensely uncomfortable confusing and intertwined feelings or concepts, is it 'normal' for the sexuality to take the extra reactions as... show more If sexuality and sexual feelings (all the way to the most basic patterns) are only uncomfortable and intensely confusing for someone or if they're mixed with a lot of intensely uncomfortable confusing and intertwined feelings or concepts, is it 'normal' for the sexuality to take the extra reactions as energy? (Either for horniness or to make you exponentially uncomfortable/confused/paralyzed at every possible association)
Is it normal to feel very painfully uncomfortable, confusing, etc. feelings in the pubic area before and during a confusion/terror, or by itself at the sight/thought that sexuality/etc might exist (NOT in any arousal-like sense)? (male)

It's been a bit extreme for me a lot of years and has always been very difficult and uncomfortable for varying reasons. I felt like asking for insight or answers on this part of it.
It's a bit extreme how much I censor or avoid for it. I'd go through a lot of torture to have a penectomy, castration, chemicals, etc. if I'd find anything safe enough.
I'm dedicating all my personal energy to not be as complicated, stressed, kind of paranoid and so on like 2-6 years ago and a bit before (if you'd want to mention I could get meds like ssri's or anti androgens)

I've let go of regulating, caring, punishing, etc parts in me and I don't manage things like this anymore, but these are always very persistent.
Update: The pattern isn't a problem in the bad senses, no addiction rn or whatever inappropriate stuff, it's just that the discomfort is torture for me (less than last year : I could barely shower without clothing for awhile, and different torturous patterns from my head cycled themselves constantly).
Update 2: "Insight" meant to include any helpful, appropriate and relevant tips you might have for managing, neutralizing, coping, etc.

Sorry for my poor English in any case.
Update 3: I'M SORRY IT POSTED SO MANY TIMES. I WANTED TO POST IT TO ANOTHER CATEGORY AND KEPT DOING THE CAPTCHA AND IT DIDN'T TELL ME IT WORKED OR ANYTHING.
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