How to get my fiancé to help out more around our apartment?
I feel like he has become lazy after we moved in together. His mom always made him do chores even when he still lived with her and i agree nobody should be lazy. But I feel like because he has more freedom he doesnt help out around our apartment, only when i ask. Last week i decided to spend the night at my parents only because we all had to go somewhere the next day and i washed the dishes before I left. I had to leave so I asked him to dry them and put them away (no dishwasher) and he left it for me to do but ended up doing half of our laundry onmy because they have chairs for you to sit in the laundry room...
I just feel like because his mom isnt telling him what to do he wont listen or help out due to his new found “freedom”. He left cups and bowls of food he ate in the bedroom and ants got in them abd i had to yell at him saying the people who rented out this apartment to us speciffocally told us not to get bugs in the apartment. He applogized but never listens. He even stains the sink after brushing his teeth (apparently he discovered his teeth bleed after brushing it just started) and he never cleans the sink leaves everything for me. Promises to help but doesnt.
How can I get him to help out???
- FoofaLv 79 months ago
Tell him either he starts helping out or you'll both have to come up with the money to have a weekly cleaner in.
- dripLv 79 months ago
Do not get married until you get this straight. You shouldn’t have to play mommy and tell him to clean up how own messes and help out around the house.
Tell him that. Sit down and discuss what needs to be done each week and each day. And how you both will get the work done.
If he doesn’t step up, you move out. Trust me you do not want a life time of this.and if he won’t step up by himself you will be cleaning up the entire house by yourself for the rest of your life.
Tell him he needs to an adult. You not his mommy to tell him what he needs to be doing and you are the maid to follow him around to pick up after him. You don’t want to live with someone who is s slob or treat you and his home with this much disrespect
- PETER MLv 79 months ago
You can't get him to help out because he has no concept of what his obligation is when he's living with you. The reason he has no concept is because he thinks you'll clean up after him. He won't change so it's best to end your relationship with him. He's a slob and he can wallow in his own mess, and you won't be the one to clean up his mess.
- 9 months ago
What a pain. I'm like you, I prefer things tidy and clean. Some people think like us, some people are in the middle, some people aren't too concerned and will let the mess pile up.
You are in the right though because having a clean and tidy home is a sign of integrity, of having self-worth, and now that you two live together, it's more important because it is a sign that he is willing to work for your relationship.
I suspect he hasn't given it much thought, but he honestly doesn't mean to upset you. He does apologise, so he does care.
Now that you have both consented to move in and live together, you should both be aware of the need to make compromises for the sake of the other person.
A part of his deal will be to do more around the house, definitely. He may need you to show him certain jobs though, and then for the both of you to sit down and come up with a written down list where the both of you establish who does what and when. Put it in writting so there can be no disputes later.
A part of your deal will be to be more tolerable for a mess. You have to understand, this is who he is and how he has lived his life. You can't realistically expect him to make sudden and dramatic changes in the space of a few weeks, or even months. So you too will have to comprimise.
Anyway, if he continues to slack, even after you've made a list together, then try not to get angry with him but instead voice your frustrations in a calm manner. Tell him how it makes you feel, with no distractions. Sit him down, seriously, and ask him to listen and not interrupt until you've said all you need to say.
We guys don't always understand exaclty how a woman is feeling, despite many hints or having said something a thousand times. We're just wired differently. And if you tell him in an aggressive/confrontational manner, he is going to put his guard up and not take in what you're saying and wanting.
If things still don't improve after this, and you can't stand it, make it obvious that you're willing to walk away from the relationship. And, if you have to, you have to.
If he can't compromise on this, that says a lot about how the two of you have different goals/values. And therefore, likely aren't an ideal match.
Hopefully, it won't come to that, but the best bargaining position is always being able to walk away, and mean it.
I hope that helps!
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- Anonymous9 months ago
The pair of you need to get together, draw up and both agree to some house rules plus a cleaning rota.
Give him 3-4 weeks to adjust and if he doesn't you have set up home with a skanky wastrel and it is time to do something about your situation.
- Pearl LLv 79 months ago
maybe you shouldnt marry him if hes going to be that way