Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 11 months ago

I don't know if I can stay with my wife. I need urgent advice?

My wife is not a bad person and I am not perfect myself. I don't want this to come across as a hit job as I just want to say she is a kind woman & an excellent mother. There is no other woman but I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with her & I just need to do a sanity check.

I've been with my wife for 10 years altogether and we have been married for 5. I both met when we were in our early twenties and what attracted me to her was that she was a very spirited and easy-going person. Things were Ok in the beginning.

So what's the problem?

Over the years I have realised that my wife is very dependant and I feel that she can be emotionally immature which I feel has held our family back.

My wife is terrible with money. Cutting a long story short, a couple of years back she ran up $15,000 of debt on unpaid bills and didn't know how to budget. She believes in 'living in the moment' but doesn't look at the consequences of what she does. We have a 2-year-old daughter and live in the projects which I'm desperate to come out of.

I'm working on myself and my career but she would rather watch reality TV. When my father died, he left us nothing and I want to provide a better future for my daughter. Although she agrees she does little help me improve our situation, crying at how bad things are but complains she's tired when I want to come up with a plan. She becomes defensive when I say these things & is argumentative. I don't know if I can do this anymore.

7 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    First step, look into what kind of childcare might be available for your daughter. Your wife clearly needs to be earning money too but that's hard to do with a toddler at home. If you can find something convenient and affordable bring that up to her and be clear that if she doesn't start contributing more you'll have no choice but to leave the marriage.

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  • 11 months ago

    SO get a Professional to come in, examine your situation and TELL HER what needs to be done IF she wants there to be an improvement in the family situation. Hearing it from someone else might help her see what needs to be done.

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  • 11 months ago

    If your wife isn't taking care of your 2 year old daughter (that's a heck of a job, btw), who do you think ought to be doing so in order for your wife to get a job and help pay down the bills? Someone has to take care of the child. Someone had to take care of her when she was an infant. And when she was a baby. And now, as a toddler... she's a maniac and someone still needs to attend to her even more watchfully. Someone else could do that. They'll charge for it. Does your wife have the skill set and resume to get a job that will bring in a goodly amount more than the child care would cost?

    So make a budget that includes petty cash. Your wife needs petty cash but if the budget can only offer $15 a week for that, she's in charge of her $15 a week. And no more. If the budget allows for $50 a week for her petty cash fund, then she gets that and no more. That's not groceries and child supplies. Those are part of the household budget. She's clearly not going to learn "budgeting" with the household account. But she can learn "budgeting" with her petty cash fund and that will help her understand the larger picture.

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  • Anonymous
    11 months ago

    You both sound like you’ve checked out of your marriage. If she’s not actioning on what she promised she’ll improve on then the next step is to get marriage counselling. You can’t force her to stop spending or take her credit cards away or have separate bank accounts but what you can do is get support for both of you and it sounds like that’s the best way forward.

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  • Snezzy
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    You and she need marriage counseling, as well as the Dave Ramsey course that another person recommended. One good source of counseling is the Catholic church. That's true even if you are not Catholic. Why? Well, Catholic priests are usually well-trained in it, and the Church does not approve of divorce. That means they won't be trying to find you the "best door out" but instead the best way to stay together. Even atheists can benefit from the help provided by Dave Ramsey and by Catholic priests.

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  • 11 months ago

    99% of these kind of situation never get better

    spending problem people are like alcoholics and drug users

    INSIST on taking a Dave Ramsey class and follow it to the letter

    if she refuses get a divorce -- note I took the class and I am an atheist - just because it is faith based does not make it ineffective

    go have a vasectomy do not tell her... this one child will kill you in support you do not need more

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    you are correct in most relationships what attracts us to each others repels us later

    you were attracted to the free spirit and she was attracted to the stability of you.

    you now dislike her free spending and she hates your controlling

    cancel all credit cards put letter in your credit record you will not honor new accounts in your name or wife's name

    Move all bank accounts to your name only get her a savings only account put allowance in it ,, no more than that - no over draft protection ,, when her debit card does not work it is how she learns

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    it will only get worse if you do not take extreme action now

    either do as I say or shut up take the financial beating expect to file bankruptcy and still never be whole

    IF she fails to agree -- get a divorce is the advice.... otherwise just let it all go off your back like water off a duck's back and never gripe or expect anything to be good BUT smile and be nice as the ship sinks

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  • 11 months ago

    I would urge you both to seek some marriage counseling, where both your feelings on these matters can be aired and discussed. If you make it clear to her how dissatisfied you are with the way things are, and how committed you are to making the marriage work, and you KEEP asserting this, she will likely comply eventually.

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