I’m 21 and can’t cope with my Husbands death. Suicide is looking like a real possibility.?

The one year anniversary of my husbands death is coming up next week. This entire year has been simply excruciating. Hell on earth. We had gotten married when I was 19 and he was 21, we had dated for 5 years before we got married. we had just bought a house (which I lost because I could no longer afford it). We... show more The one year anniversary of my husbands death is coming up next week. This entire year has been simply excruciating. Hell on earth. We had gotten married when I was 19 and he was 21, we had dated for 5 years before we got married. we had just bought a house (which I lost because I could no longer afford it). We even had our future children’s rooms picked out. Ahhh my entire life has completely crumbled around me. I have been so depressed, I cry everyday. Most days I’m too sad to even eat food. It’s like my entire soul just aches. It just sucks because this isn’t a life. Many days I contemplate suicide because for me it’s just too painful to move on. Thinking about me one day being happy with another man just makes me sick.
I still text his phone, call him, and talk to him as if he is there. Even taking about him in past tense stings my heart.
I find that it’s hard to find anything worth living for. I have never thought about suicide but To me suicide is the only logical answer now...because I can’t live a life like this. It’s agony everyday, with no relief. I drink almost everyday and have been hooking up with random guys which is disgusting and embarrassing but honestly I just like having someone to sleep next too. What makes it even worse is all of it just makes me feel worse. My husband would be ashamed. I just want to be reunited with him.
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