Reyom asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 11 months ago

Stepping down as maid of honor? Has anyone else had to do this before?

So a long term friend that I've had asked me to be her maid of honor. We were closer when we were kids, and I initially agreed and told her that I could. But she did not inform me of her expectations beforehand, and I didn't think to ask her about what was involved. She expected all of the bridesmaids and I to pay for our dresses. She also sent a long, entitled-sounding text message, where it was clear she was expecting me to arrange a bachelorette party, and partake in more of the wedding planning than I had expected. Mind you, the bride is in a different financial situation than the bridesmaids and I. She is settled in a financially secure job.

The bridesmaids and I are college students, some working and some not---clearly not in the situation where we have extra money to shell-out. I felt as if the cost demands and expectations were unfair, especially considering that she was raised in a struggling low middle-class family who was always on a budget. I thought it was disappointing and a bit ironic that she wouldn't be as understanding of our financial standing. When my sisters got married, my parents covered the cost of just about everything.

Has anyone else stepped down as maid of honor or best man before? Is it odd to step down for financial reasons? I personally felt disrespected and as if I was being taken advantage of in the situation. The bride is the type of person who would ask copious favors of others in the past, and do very little for others in return.

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  • Logan
    Lv 5
    10 months ago

    If you can't pay you can't pay. However, bridesmaids and maids of honour should always be paying for their own clothes. It's not the brides job to pay for your clothes. Traditionally, the maid of honour, like the best man, would organise the bachelorette party and be involved in organising the wedding.

    It's fine to step down but it'd be better to see if you can't talk it out with the bride before hand to see if she actually knows she's being demanding of time and resources you don't have.

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  • 11 months ago

    There are two ways to handle this:

    - get together with the bridesmaids, decide how much money you can afford to spend on a shower and a bachelorette party, and then tell the bride “this is what we can offer you, take it or leave it.” I would suggest taking this route first, and try to reason with her before you go nuclear and just drop out. She might agree to what you have planned and then the problem is solved.

    - Tell the bride, “I don’t think I can fulfill what you are asking of me as a bridesmaid. I think it’s best if I step down and just attend as a guest.” Doing this may risk the friendship, but if you feel that this girl is not much of a friend anyway then you have nothing left to lose

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  • 11 months ago

    In my area, it is quite customary for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses and to take part in the bridal shower expense and planning; as well as that of the bach party. Perhaps you have never been in a wedding before and are unaware of the financial responsibilities of being a bridal attendant.

    Well, now that you know, you have realized it is out of your budget and that is okay. Simply tell your friend that you had no idea that her wedding was going to require more money that you have to spend. And make it clear it is not because she is not worth it, it is because you just do not have discretionary money to spend. And let her know that your regret having to back out of he bridal party. Do not go into any other details or over talk your way out of it. Just state some simple to understand facts.

    You are not the first person this has happened to. I had a friend who agreed to be a bridesmaid, long before the bride decided to have a destination wedding overseas. With two travel days, the rehearsal dinner and wedding, it had to be at least a five night trip. So, air line tickets, airport parking and five nights in a hotel, along with the cost of a dog sitter, the dress, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party and the wedding gift.....it was going to cost her $2500. just to be a bridesmaid in that wedding. She backed out, and so did one other bridesmaid and a groomsman, too. People must realize that their wedding should not be another person's financial burden and also take into consideration the time lost from work (sometimes without pay) due to wedding festivities and what not.

    Lots of bridal attendants have to step down due to financial reasons. It is wise for a bride to tell a bridesmaid her financial expectations before allowing her friends to accept the position just to find out later that they cannot possibly afford it.

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  • Trish
    Lv 5
    11 months ago

    Normally the bridesmaids pay for the dresses and the moh has additional expenses and responsibilities. I can understand her wanting to ask you but she should have known that a college student can't afford to pay for the expenses entailed for a wedding party participant.

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  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    Tell her now - don't wait if you don't want to be a MOH. Thank her for asking but you've decided you cannot afford it financially and to please choose someone else. Whether or not you get an invite to the wedding after you turn it down is immaterial - don't be surprised if she takes you off the list completely.

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  • Anonymous
    11 months ago

    go ahead. step down. but expect her to be a complete child to you and never hear from her again

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    Bridesmaids are always expected to pay for their own dresses (and often shoes, hairstyling and professional makeup) and in most cases they foot the cost of the hen party too. This bride might be going 'zilla in terms of the tone she's using but traditionally being a bridesmaid is an expensive and thankless task. Her expectations are in line with tradition and in this case you're in the wrong for agreeing to do this without knowing how it works. But if you can't be what she needs you to be you'll just have to tell her you were ignorant of wedding traditions and can't afford the time or money to function as a member of her bridal party. I'd stress that this is your fault for not knowing the scope of participation when you originally agreed to it.

    • Lily
      Lv 5
      11 months agoReport

      I think you're just an idiot.

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  • ?
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    It's not uncommon to back out due to financial reasons.

    I'm not sure though that you researched what being in a wedding party entails. In the US, traditionally all members of the bridal party pay for their own attire so her "expectation" of the bridesmaids paying for their dresses is natural. Every wedding I've been in, I've paid for mine. Where she failed is she should have spoken to each bridesmaid about a dollar figure of what they can afford and then went with the lowest priced one because then it would be a dress everyone can afford.

    Everything else is optional or voluntary such as hosting a bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc.. however the bridesmaids typically host these events together ... but it is still voluntary and nobody is owed one of these events. Wedding planning is her responsibility but if you (or anyone else) offered to assist it's fine for her to accept the offer of help.

    Unless you've spoken to the other bridesmaids, you may be making assumptions about what they can afford and what they can't. That's for them to decide.

    Being in a wedding is costly for everyone. Bridesmaids typically pay for their attire, hair, nails and often host the shower and bachelorette party. So it can be several hundred dollars. Men don't pay quite as much, they pay for their attire and typically host a bachelor party. Being part of a wedding for a female is a good $500 investment give or take.

    A bachelorette party can work a couple ways. If it is a party hosted at person house or the hosts of the party are responsible for the costs of food, drink and possibly entertainment for everyone. If it's a night on the town, some sort of activity, etc each guests pays their own and the host(s) pay for the bride.

    What your parents paid for your sisters weddings is irrelevant. My husband and I paid for our own wedding and we actually did pay our bridal party expenses but we could afford to do so, not everyone can. I had offers for a shower, but I didn't want one. I did though have a bachelorette party that my MOH organized, he paid my expenses for it and everyone else paid their own.

    All of your issues here can be solved with simple communication.

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  • 11 months ago

    Have you tried telling her you can't afford it?

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    11 months ago

    Well you should of asked what duties she expect, cost you would incur, and time involved before saying yes.

    It is ok to bow out for time issue and/ or cost issues. Yes others have done it before.

    Be firm. Give her no wiggle room. Sorry I am bowing out. Cost and time is more than I anticipated. I know this is the best for the both of us. I look forward to being there on your wedding day as a guest and celebrate with you.

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