Should I put my baby up for adoption?

I'm 19 and I have a daughter who's four months old in late August. I love her with all my heart but I don't know what to do. The father isn't in her life and abandoned me during my pregnancy and I'm in college right now. I have a roommate who is incredibly sweet and is willing to take care of her when I'm at class but it feels more like she's raising my daughter rather than me. I'm also planning to move once I finish my education and start a new life (probably around when I'm 28-30) and I can't leave her when she's 10-12. What should I do?

Update:

Thank you to everyone who commented. I have decided to keep my daughter. I will probably post an update in a month or two about how everything is going. I am so grateful for every single comment, I have learned more what parenting is like. Thank you so much.

7 Answers

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  • 4 months ago

    Keep your baby. She loves and depends on her mother. You are the most important person in her life. You cannot abandon her. It would ruin her life and you would regret it forever.

    Keep working on being with her. Where there is a will, there is a way.

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    If you choose adoption - do it now - not later.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    4 months ago

    If your plan is to abandon her when you start a "new life", then yes you should place her for adoption now. There's adoption trauma at any age, even a newborn but being placed for adoption at 10-12 because your parent started a new life which didn't include you is devastating to a child, she will have lifelong abandonment issues after that.

    Parenting is a lifelong commitment, not just when it's convenient to you. Parenting doesn't end when the child is 18, either. Kids need their parents guidance well into adulthood. If it's not a commitment you can fulfill for a lifetime, it may be best for you and her for you to place her for adoption now.

    Being a parent is hard work regardless of your age, but especially when you are young. Most young people don't make a lot of money, plus they're trying to go to school and build a better life for their self and building a better life for their self also builds a better life for your children. It's hard, but not impossible. I've been a young and doing it on my own parent. I say it that way because I was married, but my husband was in the military and often away or deployed so it was just me, far from home with no support system. I found ways to make it work. Eventually he and I separated and I moved back to our hometown which allowed me to have a support system with the kids, my parents, his parents, etc and that let me go to school and work at building a better life for us. One was a child we had together and another was a little one I adopted on my own through foster care after we divorced.

    Whenever I moved or started a new phase in life, my kids went with me. Part of being a parent is making sacrifices and giving up things for your kids. Your kids are the ones most affected by the choices you make for yourself and the people you bring into your (and their) life. I got remarried and they were part of that. My husband fully accepted them both as his own. He and I had and adopted kids together and that never changed, he's always treated them all the same.

  • 4 months ago

    Parenting is a lifelong relationship, not a temporary situation. You might not spend as much time with your daughter right now as you would like, but does that mean you never will at any time over the next 60 or 70 years? How is what you are doing any different than any mother who works full time and has a baby sitter for her child?

    I'm not clear what you mean by starting a new life - if you intend to abandon her at that point, then yes, placing her for adoption now is *much* better than ten years from now. If you mean that you and she will move to a new location, no big deal.

    Ultimately it comes down to whether or not you want to remain her parent for life, or if you will be content to have her raised by another family - can you live with that? If so, adoption may be the right thing for both of you.

    Even though her father is not involved, he will have to consent to the adoption. Do *not* give up your parental rights until his are terminated, or you may find yourself with no say in what happens to her while he takes custody of his daughter and hands her off to his mother or sister or someone else and you will have no right to see her at all.

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  • Anonymous
    4 months ago

    Why would moving away equal leaving her? Why is it not logical for you to take your child with you? You probably should have thought about putting her up for adoption when you were PREGNANT with her. Now, it's kind of too late. You're attached, she's attached, everybody's attached. It would be extremely selfish of you to abandon your child now, especially since her dad already abandoned her. When you chose to go forward with the pregnancy, you should have realized it was no longer about YOU, but about you AND your daughter. You're only 19. There's no reason why you can't quit school for a while, get a part-time or full-time job to support you and your daughter and then go back to college later. Sure, you had all these plans, but those plans change the minute you choose to give birth. If you choose to give up your child because you're selfish and all you can worry about is YOUR future,daughter or not, then I hope every bit of bad karma comes your way.

  • 4 months ago

    That decision has to be yours, and should be the fathers, also. It looks like he is not involved. You have to do what you think is best for the baby. And if you think you cant give her the life she deserves, then you should look into adoption.

  • enn
    Lv 6
    4 months ago

    Ooh, this is a bit tricky. On one hand, she is first and foremost your responsibility. On the other hand, putting her in the hands of people who may abuse her --- how do you even begin to choose the right parents to adopt her? But, then there is the relationship in the future. In the future, when she IS 10-12, she may want you in her life, or she may not know what to do with you in her life. Is there a close relative who can have her for your college years? Do you already have a couple in mind? It might help to start asking around at your local church about people wanting to adopt, and getting to know them and interview them first. Remember - your child in their house will be growing up with their way of thinking and their point of view! As for your moving to a new place, she could also need to learn how to live in a new place, too. You might consider a "nanny" situation. Let me explain. In the old days, old women who no longer could do physical labor were the ones who looked after the children while the people who did physical labor went out into the fields - usually a n old grandmother who became the "nanny". That is really the source of that. In today's society we really frown upon domestic servitude and people who have "servants", but up to even 50 years ago it was still acceptable for a young parent or couple with children to have an older woman housekeeper, such as an aunt or grandmother who is widowed and has no children of their own or is needing care to watch for possible medical problems, where that woman has a place to live and earns her stay by watching and caring for the babies and doing housekeeping while the wage-earner earns the money. We have turned this situation into a shameful thing, but, you have to remember that "Superwoman" is not in your name or job description. You don't HAVE to "Do it all" and you don't HAVE to "Do it all by yourself". A fair trade is still an acceptable fair trade. Right now I know of about 7 elderly widows in my church group who are lonely and bored since their husbands have died. We are a rural community far from the nearest town and the ladies do not go anywhere or do anything. They have all the time in the world but no place to go and nothing to do now that their husbands are gone. These women need something to make them needed again. I also know of homeless women who have nowhere to go and nothing to do in their lives. I know of situations where this is working, such as my husband's mother who is helping still care for her adult daughters and her adult daughter's children while her daughters are working at jobs. I know of a couple of sisters living together where one sister works for the money and the other sister, widowed from her husband being killed in a car accident, takes care of the kids and the house at home. I also know of some friends of mine -- good, smart intelligent, educated people who are on a long waiting list to adopt. So I say again, go to your local church and start asking around Today IS Sunday!.You may meet some people that you really believe will care for your daughter, or, you may meet a person who needs a place to go and you trust with your daughter while you go to school and work. The answer, I guess, really starts with you actually going out and meeting and interviewing people, so that the answer becomes clearer to you when you put thought into action. When you have talked with a few people closer to home, the answer may present itself. But i really suggest starting with a local church group and talking to people there. I wish you luck and I wish you wisdom in your ultimate choice.

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