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Rose asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 8 months ago

Boyfriend let's his kids fight and bicker 24/7/365!?

My man used to be a social worker for years and years and has 2 awesome kids. He is 42 and I am 25 and I've never had kids. In fact, I hated children since I was one then learned to like them. We have been dating for 2 years and living together for a year and a half.

He lets his children argue, fight, and bicker incessantly without intervening at all like it's just background noise. It used to upset me a lot but I've gotten used to a lot of it but DAMN!!

sometimes it drives me INSANE. he lets his 11 year old daughter yell and throw fits like a 2 year old until the grandma steps in to get her under control.

He doesn't punish them for anything so there's no real motive for them to stop. That drives me INSANE.

I am getting sick and tired and stressed out with their nonstop bickering!!! Doesn't he care his kids are going to grow up with this behavior?? I never intervene because every time I mention it he roasts me. I don't do anything because i let him be the parent and I assume he is am expert on kids so.. wtf?? He says I'll get used to it and become a more tolerant person. Seriously!?? - frustrated girlfriend

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  • 8 months ago
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    If he's 42, maybe he has lost some hearing and it doesn't sound as loud to him. Your ears are newer. I would suggest to him that this is something that is causing you stress, and that it is frustrating that that fact doesn't get more attention from him because it makes you feel as though your discomfort doesn't matter to him as much as you would like it to. And if he says you are an adult and if you have a problem, deal with it yourself, you could suggest that the children might be more willing to modify their behavior if he supported you.

    And if he still isn't willing, then I think you need to not buy in to your idea that he is the end all be all of parenting. First off, he is a human. That means he has flaws, is wrong a lot of the time, and much of the rest of the time he is making it up as he goes along. You have every right to have your feelings heard, and you should stand up for yourself no matter how much training or experience he has. If your car is about to drive off a cliff, you don't wait for a mechanic to weigh in, you turn the wheel. You have agency, and should not feel ashamed to exercise it.

    That said, even the best outcome may not be perfect. There is a meditation technique that might be able to help you with annoying noise. If you are intersested, I would try and practice this a couple of times a week at least.

    First realize that the brain filters out sounds it thinks is important, from those it doesn't think is as important, because you could not do anything if you paid attention to every sound all the time. Because of how that works, if you are annoyed by a sound, your brain will flag it as important, and will focus on it more. "a sound is only annoying if you pay attention to it." You might not think you have much control over that, but you can in time. When you get triggered, first recognize what is happening. You are annoyed, because you heard an annoying sound, your brain picked up on your emotional response, and now will hear that sound more because it thinks it is important. Seeing this play out in your mind won't make your experience better, but it does take it off autopilot. It says 'I see you' to your brain's process, and begins your agency to make a change. The next thing you should do is try to hear the sound, but not attach judgement to it. Just let the sound exist, and try not to feel or react. It won't be easy, but the effort in trying is the more important thing (again priming your brain that you are taking control, not it you).

    This part should be done when there isn't an annoying sound as practice, but should also be employed after the 1. noticing and becoming aware, and 2. allowing without attachment.

    Spend a few moments listening to a sound, then scan your surroundings to identify a few more. Spend a few moments listening for and to each sound. Don't get frustrated if it is more difficult to hear one over the other, the point is to attenuate your focus to hear the sounds you are otherwise ignoring. There are always other sounds. Electronic hums, birds outside, and if you are really quiet your own heart. Try to hear all the sounds you aren't paying attention to.

    Now pick one, put some focus on it for a couple of moments, and then add in another to your attention. Realize that both sounds hit your ear at the same time, and so in reality are one pattern of vibration hitting your ear drum. The mind separates out the two sounds, but they come in as one. Restore them to that one sound that have both components. Like how two notes can be played together to make a chord. Let these two sounds be as a chord. Do this for a minute or so. After a few sessions, you can try three sounds, or even more. What this will do, is get you to see that all the sounds around you can be seen by your mind as a single collective soundscape. And when you do, your brain no longer focuses more on one part of that soundscape, but sees it as a symphony where all parts get merged into a whole. This can have the effect of resetting your brain's focus on just one part of it. You allow the sounds to be as they are, but do not attach to any one of them as much as you did before.

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    Everything about this is a disaster, starting with your curious decision to move in with him after dating 6 months. This is always a mistake, but when 2 kids are involved, it's flat out nuts. Of course they're disturbed! And it's going to get worse. He's a crappy parent and also sounds like a crappy bf. Also, why did you call these kids awesome?

    And who is grandma? Is she living with him, or is he living with her? Honestly, you all are one step away from Jerry Springer. I'm 35 and happily married, but when I think back to the fun I was having at 24/25, I actually feel bad for you. But I made better choices. Not bragging, just stating a fact.

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  • 8 months ago

    Yes, seriously. If you can't you need to leave. His kids, his decisions.

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    I'm sorry about this. As his live-in girlfriend, does he not want you to have a parental role in their lives? That would make me annoyed too. I get it, kids will be kids. But from what you describe it sounds like it's overkill. Your relationship with him must be really good for you to tolerate this now for the last 1.5 yrs.

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  • 8 months ago

    I'd find another boyfriend.

    A 42 year old who is dating a 25 year old will find a new 21 year old in a year or two once you emotionally outgrow him.

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