How to let go of the past?
We tried to have sex for the first time. I’d been dreading that for weeks. I even dehydrated myself beforehand so that I would be numb. I’m pretty weird about sex in general, but I have had sex once before, and it was fine. My ex was different, though. He’s autistic. I thought I could take that, but as soon as the clothes came off, I realized that I was entirely repulsed by him on a genetic and biological level. The thought of him taking me and clumsily forcing his genetics into me was unbearable. I really think I couldn’t have gone through with it if I weren’t dehydrated. I broke up with him a few days later. We’re still friends, but at the time I was hoping to never see him again. I wish I could have treated him like I would have any other partner.
I don’t have a good reason to be a bigot. Yes, I had a stalker with a crush a few years ago who was autistic, but he never harmed me. He threatened to kill himself once, refused to respect my boundaries, and followed me around, but he didn’t hurt me. Anyhow, I know they’re not all like that. Heck, I’m a diagnosed autist. My bigotry makes me a hypocrite.
I don’t want to be a bigot. What happened, happened years ago, is not representative of boys with autism in general, and wasn’t that bad. I want to let it go. Just... how?