I’m not confident I can go on living for long?

To make a 22yr long story short, I grew up in an abusive environment. My parents were very physically and psychologically abusive, as well as my older brother, who was popular at school and made a ton of people hate me and make fun of me in the halls. CS was called once when I accidentally gave away the physical... show more To make a 22yr long story short, I grew up in an abusive environment. My parents were very physically and psychologically abusive, as well as my older brother, who was popular at school and made a ton of people hate me and make fun of me in the halls. CS was called once when I accidentally gave away the physical abuse in 1st grade but my mom made me say it was all a dream, even though I told them multiple accounts of it, and they believed her and left me. I’ve been in and out of numerous eating disorders and self-harm behaviors my entire life. I’m pretty sure I’m not saying all of what happened but I’m cutting it short here.
I’m 22 now, graduated college and have a good job. I credit the only reason I’m alive to my 2 dogs. I have great friends, however I don’t get enjoyment out of life. My dogs have always been there for me and licked my tears away and comforted me after the abuse. If I were to kill myself, I promised that I wouldn’t do so until after they’re dead. That’s becoming more of a reality everyday. I’m aromatic and asexual, and have no interest in romantic relationships at all - tried them, not interested. Could be from the abuse, but that fact won’t make me interested, so don’t try. Don’t want to have kids. I’m not energized by any career goals. Don’t love my friends or life enough to want to keep living. After my dogs, there is nothing keeping me alive. Some days I just wish they died already so I can too. I fantasize too much about dying. I can’t move out because
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