If your kids felt really uncomfortable with your new partner living at the house what would you do?
- FoofaLv 76 months ago
If this was a fully vetted partner, meaning at least two years of serious dating, I'd get the kids into family counseling and work on it until they felt comfortable then I'd marry this person and try to conduct myself as a parent first who also happens to have a spouse. Moving unmarried partners in with kids never ever ever works. They have to believe it's a legitimate relationship or they're not going to respect this person or view him/her as permanent. "Shacking up" is fine for the childless but to be avoided when kids have already been through the devastating trauma of a divorce, breakup or the death of a parent. Their feelings are more important than yours.
- KellyLv 76 months ago
I divorced when my kids were quite small and I didn't have anyone move in with us, nor did we move in with anyone I did my dating for the most part when my kids were either wither their grandparents or their dad. My ex was in the military so his mom exercised his visitation on his behalf (I get along with her). I didn't want people coming in and out of their lives who wouldn't be their long term.
Plus well, I didn't trust just anyone with them in general. My kids would be those most impacted by who I brought into all of our lives and choices I made.
Then a couple years later I met a man who changed things, he was the right one. We dated for about 5 months before he met them and even then it was quite controlled. He never spent the night when they were home and we didn't move in with him until we got married. I'm still married to him and they are young adults now. If my kids weren't comfortable with him, I would have gotten rid of him early on.
- Anonymous6 months ago
My two sons were finishing up grade school when my husband and I separated. It was a time for all of us to adjust to our new lifestyle. The last thing I wanted was another man in my life at that time. We were lucky enough to have a calm after the storm that lead us to divorce. Although our divorce was incredibly civil and fair (we both actually fired our attorneys when they worked together to get my husband and I to fight and drag the divorce out with nonsense bullshit), tearing the family apart was a big adjustment for all of us. Suddenly the tension and arguments were exchanged for calm moments and happiness and there was no way on earth I was going to put my children through any more drama than they already were dealing with.
I went out on dates without my children's knowledge when they were at their dad's house on the weekends. My children never met a man I dated because I had not found a guy worth keeping. I felt a responsibility to protect myself and them until someone earned my trust. When I finally did meet a stand up guy, over five years after divorce, even still, I did not let my children know about him for about six months, because I needed to be sure that he did as he said and said what he did. My boys knew how important my dad was to me, so when my father was in town, I invited my boyfriend to my house for dinner with my dad and the boys. This move made a statement to my children to let them know this man I was dating was worthy of them and my father. All approved of him.
I never wanted any new man living in my home to change the dynamics of my home life with my children. I thought the divorce was plenty enough drama for us all. I made the conscience thought to keep my children's emotional state safe because I only had a few years left of them in my care and I knew once they flew the coup, I could never regain those teenage years as I selfishly wanted them all to myself before being set free into the world. At which time I could also be free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to do it. So, that is what I did. I have no regrets and I do not feel like I compromised or lost a thing by putting my children first.
I would have never even thought of having a guy live in our house without my boy's approval. But, I decided those last 5 to 6 years were more important to us as mother and sons than any man on earth could ever be.
I never moved a man into our house and if I did, I would tell a guy to leave my house before subjecting my children to being uncomfortable. This is THEIR home too. I cannot be that selfish.
To the nasty "linkus86" comments below: Wow, just wow. Our lives, all of our lives improved when we got divorced. You know not for which you speak. In our case, divorce was the best option. I am not lying to myself about anything. I do put my children first and THAT is why I got out of a toxic marriage. AND, I did not use my children as pawns or lie to anyone about anything. Again, you know nothing other than assuming things.. As a matter fact, I am still in a serious committed relationship with that gentleman who met my children and my father back in 2005. He actually supported my views when we met, hence the 14 year relationship. My situation is way out of your league to even comprehend. I can only base your off comments on your own unresolved personal experiences. I wish you well. I do.
- Anonymous6 months ago
Send them to live with their other parent.
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- robnrobn2000Lv 66 months ago
It takes time, unless they feel that he's creepy and kids instinct are usually rt
- choko_canyonLv 76 months ago
I would explain to them that this was the new situation, and that I knew it was going to be hard to adjust, but that everything will be okay.
- Coach SimonLv 76 months ago
Your children's needs have to come first, of course, but these needs should include considering their parents, and learning to get along with people. Hence, you probably need to work on the causes of their discomfort. Is it simply that they get less attention from you? That they feel he is taking their father's place? Does it go further than that? Is he unkind to them when you are not there? Are they afraid to discuss the matter with you in case they get into trouble - or upset you? Their ages of the children are significant, but you do not divulge them. If they cannot talk to you, perhaps they will talk to their grandparents - or their biological father. You might want to read books on step families, but you definitely need to get to the bottom of it. Not having him being alone with your children, introducing that slowly might help. Too late now, perhaps, but you might have been wise to take things more carefully. Good Luck! I hope it works out for you all.
- linkus86Lv 76 months ago
I would make a larger effort to do things with my partner and the kids to allow them to develop a relationship with him/her too. I would also be conscious of the fact that none of us like change, so would need to be patient with them to adjust.
- Brenda MorrisLv 66 months ago
Date longer to decide later and find out what your family thinks of him.
- myfavouritelucyLv 76 months ago
I wouldn't have invited them into the house in the first place. Your children should come first.