I know plenty of couples who have remained friends after a divorce, and I know women who are civil or even friendly towards their ex's current wife, but how many divorced women do you know who suffered abuse and are still best friends with the ex's current wife and sister? It's an odd situation to say the least. The drug abuse was all him (meth), the domestic violence was him (choked her out on several occasions, police were involved), the legal trouble was all him (arrested numerous times, including drug raids at their house the day after she got home from delivering their child), and the infidelity was both of them. He was sleeping with the "nanny" meth-head friend that he moved into their spare bedroom (and knocked her up) and she slept with one of his friends. I would be more than willing to go to therapy, but financially I just don't have the money. When I said it would end up in a fight, she's a typical liberal millennial...she wants your opinion (on anything) until it doesn't sync with hers, and then she gets mad. I am still dealing with the wedding issue. She agreed not to invite the ex-husband, but as of last night she tells me at dinner that she wants his sister and current wife IN THE WEDDING PARTY. She wants the current wife to be her maid of honor! Really?!? She got angry when I told her it made me ridiculously uncomfortable and I feel like it is highly inappropriate. "I don't give a **** if anyone else thinks it's inappropriate!"
I told her I'm not "anyone else", I'm the man you're marrying. Not to sound old-fashioned or patriarchal, but as your husband, or in this case, future husband, my opinion should matter to you more than anyone else's in the world! I asked her to put herself in my position. Here's a little background on that: I dated a woman named Grace about 14 years ago. We didn't date for very long and we realized we were better as friends than as a couple. We ended our relationship amicably, and have remained quasi-friends. I don't go out of my way to see her, talk to her, or hang out with her, but we run in the same social circles, so we do run into each other from time to time. When we do see each other, we catch up. Fast forward to 2018. My fiance and I walked/jogged fairly often. We would go to a certain neighborhood because it had almost no traffic. One day we ran into Grace, she had just moved into that neighborhood. Over the next few weeks, we would occasionally run into her working in her garden or playing with her kids in the yard. Next thing you know, my fiance REFUSES to go back to that neighborhood. She says seeing and chatting with Grace makes her uncomfortable. Now back to our wedding discussion last night at dinner... I asked her to put herself in my shoes.
What if I asked Grace to be my "Best Man"? Or even if I asked Grace's husband to be my "Best Man"? How would that make her feel? She tells me she would "be perfectly fine with that". Bullshit. She refused to even walk the neighborhood that Grace lived in. And by the way, my ex Grace was never even on the "long" guest list, let alone on the "short" list and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS consider having Grace or any of my other ex's IN MY WEDDING. All this has been rolling around in my head, and I'm really starting to feel like my fiance is not really over her ex or their marriage, and that I'm just a substitute, a stand-in for him. I'm starting to wonder if she became best friends with his current wife because she's trying to re-live her marriage vicariously through the current wife. I lost a lot of sleep last night and spent the morning thinking about it and I am seriously considering postponing the wedding or even cancelling it altogether. She's obviously not ready to get married again and I want a wife that loves and supports me, not her ex.