What can I do to help my mom?
Almost 3 months ago my 18-year-old sister, Victoria, suddenly passed away. She was playing at the high school track with friends when she collapsed. She was then pronounced dead at the hospital. The doctors told my parents it appeared that her heart had just stopped. They recommended an autopsy, but my parents refused. Now almost 3 months later, the not-knowing is killing them. Especially my mom. She’s talked about having Victoria exhumed, she’s talked about having the friends she was with questioned, she’s losing her mind in a sense. The rest of us just want Victoria to rest in peace. We have no reason to believe her death was caused by anything besides her heart. Sure an autopsy would’ve been good, but the time for that came and went. I guess what I’m asking is, how can I help my mom? I want her to move on and continue living life for Victoria. Not be stuck constantly wondering.
- KellyLv 75 months agoFavorite Answer
Really, there's not anything anyone can do or say that will make this better or easier for your mom. Even if she knew exactly what it was that caused her death, it won't be easier.
I think your mom's biggest struggle here other than the why is that it was sudden and not expected so there was no time for her to prepare. Sometimes knowing can make it easier and even that's not a given. My dad died when I was young but he was sick for a long time so I knew it was coming, my uncle died suddenly in a motorcycle crash.. I had time to prepare for my dad's death, my cousins did not for theirs. By the time they learned of his accident, he had already died. They struggle with his death more than I did with my dad.
Likely your mom and even you could benefit from some grief counseling. There's a lot of support groups for parents who have lost children and also many for kids who have lost a sibling or parent.
Losing a child isn't a grief you get over, you just over time learn how to cope with it. I tell people "it doesn't get better, it gets easier".
- FoofaLv 75 months ago
Your whole family should be in intensive grief counseling at this point. If after your mom has meeting with a therapist for a few months she still wants to exhume your sister then the family should let her do that for her own peace of mind. But for her to be trying to handle this most tragic of losses on her own is just ridiculous. Parents never recover from the loss of a child but counseling is what enables them to at least continue living.
- pit bulls biteLv 75 months ago
very odd , no autopsy
- catLv 75 months ago
I'm so sorry that you have lost your sister. I know how you feel- I lost both of my older brothers when I was 17 and 19. It was horrible for me to go through, but I can't imagine how much harder it was for my parents losing two children. Now that I'm older (this was 10+ years ago) I still cannot fathom how much they must ache every day.
Your mother is grieving, and she's having a horrible time. You need to let her grieve. Do not tell her how to grieve her child no matter what you feel. Just hug her every chance you can and tell her you love her. There's really not much else you can do. Time will make the pain more manageable. Give her time.
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- Dr. StephanieLv 75 months ago
Please accept my condolences on the sudden loss of your sister, it must be quite difficult, and your mother's reactions are not unusual. She could have the body exhumed and examined, though it would probably be at great expense, both financially and emotionally. She could consult a grief counselor, who could help her through this very traumatic and difficult time. She could do both, in fact. Exhumation for genetic evaluation would not be needed, in my opinion, since each family member can report to their physician what happened and be tested themselves, if recommended. Good wishes,
- Anonymous5 months ago
Your mom is looking for closure, sweetie. That's the long and the short of it. Sometimes when people are grieving a loss like this, they go through a period when they are angry at everyone and everything, including the person who died. I'm sure that your mom is feeling a lot of guilt, too, and she's blaming herself for not being there to protect your sister from harm. That's part of what is driving this sudden need for answers that she has. She wants to know what happened, and why. She is aware that it won't bring your sister back-nothing can do that-but it might give her some peace of mind to know what went wrong and that she wasn't to blame for what happened.
My condolences to you and your family on your terrible loss.
- Anonymous5 months ago
A human heart stopping means that something is wrong with the person. I think it's better to leave her body where it is now.
- martyLv 75 months ago
You should be wondering. If your sister died of something genetic you may have it and not know. I would suggest you and your mom go over your entire family's medical problems and see if you can come up with some idea. Your mom would be devastated to lose you for the same reason.
- 5 months ago
there should have been an autopsy.... there could be a genetic factor.... you could be next.... there could be things done to help others because of what could be learned from an autopsy
- KidddasLv 75 months ago
I'm sorry for ur loss of ur sister.
u should hold hands with ur mom