Guilty after having oral sex.... I feel like I’m grieving the lost of something? Will God forgive me and will any man ever respect me?

I’m 20 years old and I recently had oral sex with two different guys. The first time I felt okay and like my normal self but this time hit different and I’m not sure why. Is it because I have always liked this guy since we were 14? I don’t know but I just feel like I disappointed God especially since after the... show more I’m 20 years old and I recently had oral sex with two different guys. The first time I felt okay and like my normal self but this time hit different and I’m not sure why. Is it because I have always liked this guy since we were 14? I don’t know but I just feel like I disappointed God especially since after the first encounter I had planned on waiting until I found the right guy to enjoy it with again. While we didn’t have vaginal or anal sex and I didn’t allow him to perform oral sex on me... I’m not sure what this means. Am I still a virgin? Will my potential husband ever respect me as his wife? I’ve been trying to grow a closer bond to God but I feel like I’ve just disappointed him so much. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of someone and I’m trying not to sink into depression but I feel like it’s coming. What if my future boyfriend or husband looks at me as a **** and doesn’t respect me? I know what’s done is done but I feel like I ruined my life. Please no rude comments... my faith is important to me and I definitely won’t be doing this again but for right now I need to find a way to get over this.. I was so proud of myself for sub-staining from sex unlike my friends because you know it’s hard but I caved and I just feel so sad.

I would like to add that I did consent both encounters as this has happened over the course of a few weeks. So it’s not like it all happened in the same night or anything.
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