What is the funniest joke you know?

89 Answers

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  • Steve
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    A man walks in to a bar, he says, "Ouch!"

    ******************

    A man walks into a bar. He orders 5 shots of a premium 30 yr old, single-malt Scotch whiskey and starts pounding them back, one after another.

    The bartender says, "Hey - you seem to be in hurry!"

    The man replied, "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have."

    Bartender steps back and says, "Oh, man! What have you got?!?"

    The man says, "Fifty cents."

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  • 7 months ago

    I knew an older guy who was back on they dating scene. He met a woman online. He talked to her on the phone and thought everything was going good. When his friends saw her picture, they explained that she used to be a man and had transitioned to a woman. He didn't believe it, but called her up and explained what his friends had said. He was told, "yes, I used to be a man." He replied, " If I ever decide to go down that road, you will be the first one I call."

    True story

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  • 7 months ago

    A sailor walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He plops the octopus up on the bar and says, "I'll bet this guy can play any musical instrument there is!" The laughing people start covering his bets on the bar. The octopus sits down to a piano and not only plays it, he plays a beautiful rendition of classical music. The next guy says "let's see him play this trumpet." The octopus plays a number of tunes better than Herb Alpert and Louis Armstrong. Finally one guy says, "I'll bet anything he can't play these bagpipes".....The octopus jumps up in the air, runs over and throws the bagpipes up against the wall, then jumps up and down on it. Everybody starts collecting their bets. The sailor says, "Just a minute.....when he's done f***ing it, he'll play it!

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  • 7 months ago

    A guy walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. He notices a jar full of cash and asks the bartender "Well what s this for?"

    The bartender replies "So, basically there are three challenges to complete, and if you do them, then you win all the cash inside the jar!"

    The guy replies "Alright, what are these challenges?"

    "Well, if I m gonna share my secrets, you ve at least gotta put some cash into the jar to participate."

    So the guy puts in his share and the bartender tells the man the three challenges: "One: take this bottle of fireball whiskey and down it in one sip without stopping. Two: go out back where we keep our pitbull and take out its loose tooth. And three: an old lady lives upstairs, but she s a virgin. The final challenge is to take the old woman s virginity."

    The man looks at the bartender as if he s crazy and says "Ah, no way in hell I m doing those things.

    Later in the evening after the man has had quite a bit to drink and is a little bit tipsy, he s worked up his courage and has decided to try these challenges. So, he grabs the bottle of fireball and downs it fair and square, every last drop. Then, he walks out back to the pitbull and suddenly the bar is alarmed with sounds of growling and shirts tearing and unpleasant noises from the dog and the man. Finally, the man walks back into the bar and shouts "Now, where s that old lady with the loose tooth?!"

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  • SW-6
    Lv 6
    7 months ago

    Why do they only put 239 beans in a can of Irish baked beans?

    Because 1 more would make it "two farty" :P

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  • KTJoe
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    Why did the woman cross the street? Answer: To catch a bus...LOL

  • 7 months ago

    Dave died and went to Hell, and is being taken on a tour of the facilities to choose his eternal torment.

    Behind the first door, as far as the eye can see, are thousands of people, shoulder to shoulder, standing on their heads on a wooden floor.

    "Nope," says Dave.

    Behind the second door, as far as the eye can see, are thousands of people, shoulder to shoulder, standing on their heads on a brick floor.

    "I don't think so. Next."

    After a few more of these, Dave finds, as far as the eye can see, thousands of people, shoulder to shoulder, standing ankle deep in poo drinking coffee.

    "Okay, that doesn't doesn't seem so bad..." and enters.

    The door slams behind him. Dave takes his place among his fellow tormentees, and just as he's about to take a sip, a voice calls out over the loudspeaker, "COFFEE BREAK'S OVER, EVERYBODY. BACK TO STANDING ON YOUR HEADS."

    • Mankz cat
      Lv 4
      7 months agoReport

      My dad told me that one with minor variations when I was a kid. It is always the first joke to come to mind whenever anybody asks for a joke. Only in the innocent version I heard years ago, the people in the last room were standing in mud. :)

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  • 7 months ago

    Ted Bundy: Hey, Jeff! You got any ice cream in that freezer?

    Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah, only Ben and Jerry.

    • 7 months agoReport

      bahahahahahahaha

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  • Lolly
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little nazis.

    The others are too filthy for Y!A.

  • 8 months ago

    Cheapest price of milk sold by a farmer: You suck the milk yourself from the cow.

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