Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 6 months ago

My grandfather was an alcoholic. I have been traumatized not by that but by my mother using me to get him back. How do I recover?

She used me as a pawn to bargain with him to get help. She vented to me about it and worst of all, she lied to him I learned recently and would say "my two children and I will not play your games anymore" when in reality I did not make that decision. I wanted to see him and be close. She also claims I was complaining at age 3 and a half about his repulsive behavior when drunk but I can guarantee at the age of 3 and a half I did not know the word "repulsive" and did not notice he was drunk. Same with Christmas when I was 7 when she claimed this though I may have said "why is Grandpa in a bad mood" by that point but had no fear. She quoted me and threw things into embellishment I did not say. I recently discovered her letters to him as he died 13 years ago.

My Mom stole my grandfather from me so she was the one who hurt me, not the alcoholic. I have a sense of shame, loss, and sadness that follows me to this day 13 years after his death. I am in my 40's and still grieving. We got close when he got ill and cut back on drinking so I was close for the last 13 years of his life. But from ages 7 to 15 I was grounded cause of his illness and possibly mistakes.

Alcoholism is a disease but my mother punished him instead of showing empathy and rehab was not as easy in those days.

How do I get over the trauma my mother inflicted on me as a kid by using me to get her father back for having a disease?

Update:

Not seeking revenge on my mother for failing me, but seeking healing for my trauma my Mom did to me.

7 Answers

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    rnaybe you should get sorne counseling, it rnight help you out

  • 6 months ago

    How does anyone get over trauma, friend? Therapy. Counseling. If what you're REALLY asking her is how you stop being angry at your mother, counseling or therapy is the key.

  • martin
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    Your view of alcoholism as a disability rather than a crime is the intelligent way of seeing it. Since you can forgive your grandfather, why not also forgive your mom? She may have had very bad memories of your grandfather when she was growing up. Forgiveness is your way to inner peace for yourself, so that you won't keep getting mad at your mom over the past.

    • Starlight 1
      Lv 7
      6 months agoReport

      Her daughter doesn't understand this, or more precisely, won't allow herself to understand it.

  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    I don't recall this question, but if you're curious how I knew this was spam, it was your first sentence. This sounds like an answer you got here, because if you were truly this self aware, you'd already know the answer.

    The situation is complex, but the solution is very simple. Therapy.

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  • 6 months ago

    Keep up with the counseling! Your mother did NOT owe you a relationship with her abusive alcoholic father with whom SHE had a long, painful and likely abusive childhood. Try respecting your MOTHER and understand why she made the decisions she made.

    I suspect you want your grandfather to have been a very different man than your Mother KNEW him to be! At this point, you've designed a turmoil for yourself based on your childhood feeling of being gypped when that is likely far, far from the reality of the situation.

  • 6 months ago

    You're being totally ridiculous.

    Sounds like your mom was trying to protect you and keep you safe from someone whose behavior was likely unpredictable and untrustworthy. She also sounds like she was trying to get her father to see what his alcoholism was doing to the family, and probably gave examples.

    Unless you yourself are the child of an alcoholic, and I am not, you have NO idea how difficult is. She likely didn't have any empathy LEFT after her entire lifetime of dealing with him and the effect HIS alcoholism had on HER and HER FAMILY.

    Your grandfather chose his path, your mother tried to raise her kids and live her life in spite of that. I think she should be celebrated rather than punished. Of course, I don't know what the letters say, but everything else you've said can be easily explained that she was trying to protect you.

    I don't see that she did anything traumatic to you at all. You hero worshipped a drunk and you're mad at your mom for not letting you. In your 40s. Wow.

  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    As you have been told many times, you need to find a good psychological therapist and work on your issues.

    Your view of your childhood is totally warped and twisted.

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