I am really sorry about the sexual assault you experienced. It is evident it had a traumatic impact on you and you are still struggling with the implications of that crime.
My best suggestion would be to give your life to someone that can heal your broken heart, your soul and your mind. He can fill you with his presence so that your joy is complete, and that evil spirit of suicide that is trying to work on you is defeated.
I am talking about giving your life to Jesus Christ.
I too was in a mess, and I everything came to life after Jesus Christ came inside my heart and took control.
What do you have to lose? He loves you, why don't you receive him?
Receive him today as your Lord and Savior.
How to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior and Lord?
It is the easiest thing in the world. Just close your eyes, focus on him and pray something like this:
"Lord Jesus, I repent of all my sins and I ask you to wash me clean. I am sorry for all the bad things I have done and the many times I broke God's Will. Please forgive me and fill me with the gift of the Holy Spirit. I want to belong to God. I want to be adopted into his family as his son/daughter. I want to get to know you. I want a relationship with you. Come into my heart. I give you control over my life. Please lead me through the Holy Spirit and make your Word real to me. Fill my soul with the peace that surpasses understanding and help me change so that I may lead a life that is pleasing to you. I want to go to heaven and I want to be called by the Fathers name. As of today I declare that I belong to you". Amen
If you do this with all of your heart you will start noticing subtle changes inside of you and step by step your life will change. I am speaking from experience.