Why do I want bad things to happen to me?

So I’m kinda using this as a therapist because I have never told anyone and don’t think I’m ready. Anyways... even since I was young I have thoughts of bad things happening to me, and I kinda wanted them to happen. But more recently I have been having them very often. It’s like a daydream but negative. I have... show more So I’m kinda using this as a therapist because I have never told anyone and don’t think I’m ready.

Anyways... even since I was young I have thoughts of bad things happening to me, and I kinda wanted them to happen. But more recently I have been having them very often. It’s like a daydream but negative. I have episodes of feeling depressed about ever other month (give or take) and they last for several weeks. Sometimes they result in self harm but nothing too drastic.
My life isn’t bad. There is no reason for me to feel depressed. I didn’t have a terrible childhood but I can’t help feeling this way. But the real point of this question I guess is, does anyone else have thoughts of bad things happening to themselves and secretly want them to happen? And if so how do you get it to stop?
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