Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsOther - Family & Relationships · 6 months ago

Need advice on a mother in law issue..?

We are going to get my mother in-law soon. It’s 500 to where she lives and 500 miles back home. She’s staying 2 weeks and my husband is taking her back. We are on a very tight budget right now. Trying to get out of debt. Last night my husband tells me that she is wanting him to take her to parts of southeast NM and West Texas to see her cousins. That’s probably another 4 hundred miles. I let him know today that it’s not practical to take her to those places when we’re already driving 2k miles so she can come visit. He’s now, not answering my calls and is mad at me. We buy her groceries, give her money. The last time she was here she had me take her to a department store, goes to check out and whispers in my ear- “it looks like I don’t have the money in my account to cover my purchase”. It was 400 dollars that I had to pay. She pretended to be sick the whole time she was her so my husband would call in and stay home with her. I’m so stressed out over this visit. How do I handle my husband? Do I cave? Please help!

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    If she said to me: "it looks like I don’t have the money in my account to cover my purchase"

    I would say: ok.

    That means she doesn't purchase.

    What kind of husband do you have??

    Do not cave.

  • 6 months ago

    What I do when put in any similar situation with my husband (maybe he wants to buy a TV when I'm trying to save to balance the books, or something), is to make it sound as if I am totally on his side but we must sit down and work out how we can make this work without going into further debt.

    Then lay out before him evidence of all the bills we have to pay that month alongside the cost of the TV. Then I ask HIM what it is he would like to cut down on so that we can achieve what he wants. Hmmm.... if we buy the TV, would you like to stop all trips to the cinema and cut out meat four days a week? Cancel the gym membership for a while. (Things that are going to HURT him). And then tell him it's his decision what we opt for giving up. Nine times out of ten, he'll put the item on hold. Men can afford to be airy fairy with finances in most cases as women are the budgeters. They need short, sharp reminders that there has to BE a budget.

    • poncho6 months agoReport

      The 2k mile trip so she can visit within itself is ridiculous. That’s money and wear and tear on vehicles. The mother in-law has no class, expecting this family to run her all over the country after they’re already driving 2k miles to accommodate her visit.

  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    Sounds lile your husband needs to get out of her womb already. Youre in the right.

  • 6 months ago

    Are you absolutely certain that it's cheaper to drive that 1,000 miles than to fly her over? If she's old... she's going to need a hotel room each way because 500 miles a day is really bad for old people and not particularly good for anyone else either. What's wrong with the bus? No bus? Your MIL sounds mobile. How about the cousins? Maybe they're mobile.

    I'm in agreement. Your MIL coming to visit for a couple of weeks need not entail you and your husband driving thousands of miles being her free dream tour company throughout the SW of the USA.

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    She should be catching trains or buses to get to her destinations. It's ridiculous she expects your husband to be her free private chauffeur. And don't fall for her conniving tricks. Tell her when she arrives that you and your husband are on a very tight budget.

  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    Ask a lawyer???

  • 6 months ago

    The purchases from the department store seem to have been your choice. Why didn't you say you didn't have the money? That's what I would have done and have done to my in-laws, especially if it's true. You buying her things is not your responsibility and it seems like you're mad over it even though it honestly is your fault, not hers or your husband's. Now, if she had forced you to purchase it or your husband pressured you to do it, that's a whole different story.

    In regards to her wanting to visit her cousins: that's something you and your husband should sit down and figure out the budget for what you can and can't afford. Perhaps he's upset that you immediately seemed hesitant over it instead of waiting to check if it's even possible. You say you're on a tight budget, which makes me believe you have a spreadsheet laid out showing what's coming in and going out, well... pull it out and talk with your husband about the numbers. Numbers can't lie and if it's something you can't afford, but he still insists on then you know he's not being reasonable and is putting your personal finances in trouble. Personally, if my husband continues to insist in something we can't afford this would be grounds for a serious conversation about communication and respect. Parents are important, but their whims shouldn't be more important that your marriage's finances. Good luck!

  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    "It was 400 dollars that I had to pay."

    What do you mean you "had" to pay? What would have happened if you had said no, you couldn't cover that? If this would have caused issues with your husband, you have a major husband problem.

    The bottom line here is you're the least "guilty" of the 3 of you, but your "crime" has been to tolerate this for so long. Her crime is manipulating her son through guilt (probably) and his crimes are worst of all. He's falling for her manipulation and he's also putting her ahead of you every time he gives her a dime.

    Nobody should ever marry a mama's boy and that's what you did here. If she's over 65, there are tons of resource she can tap into. If she's under 65, what on earth is her problem?

    When you ask if you should cave, that's scary. Your lifestyle isn't sustainable. If you think you love him and this is worth saving, you need to DEMAND the 2 of you get counseling and this means cancelling the upcoming trip. If he balks, you're in a marriage with 3 people and you will always come in 3rd.

  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    Stick to your guns. Sounds like if you don’t your husband doesn’t have the spine to do so. You’ve gone above and beyond. That said, you don’t have a mother in law problem, you have a husband problem. One that’s a mommas boy.

  • Janet
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    You are putting more love into your finances than you are into your husband's emotional needs.

    This will wreck the marriage.

    It IS good to be careful with your money, but at the expense of your marriage?

    Whether or not you are stressed about this is up to YOU. To how you interpret the situation, the cognitive self-statements you feed into your brain, and the subconscious habits you have created through previous self-statements.

    Don't blame HIM for your inability to work with your emotions.

    How do you handle him?

    You don't "handle" people. You care about them and support their needs.

    That IS what love is about. Can you love another?

    As for this example of the department store you needed to look at her and say "I don't have the money to cover it either. Put it back".

    Yes MIL is selfish and manipulative, but YOU encourage that.

    She is who she is, and the only person we CAN change is OURSELVES and how we choose to react to situations.

    • poncho6 months agoReport

      I disagree. If you don’t have the money to run her all over the country then you don’t. It’s not love of finances. It’s life. Having her in the home for two weeks, buying her groceries on a regular basis, help supporting her financially is showing her love!

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