Why am I like this?

I feel as is there is no need for me to leave, to only die in a few decades. I don't wanna do anything anymore I don't wanna live anymore. I wanna die, I'm too scared to call a suicide hotline, I'm young and I'm too scared to tell my mother cause she's gonna wanna talk about it in person and... show more I feel as is there is no need for me to leave, to only die in a few decades. I don't wanna do anything anymore I don't wanna live anymore. I wanna die, I'm too scared to call a suicide hotline, I'm young and I'm too scared to tell my mother cause she's gonna wanna talk about it in person and it's awkward and I don't wanna go through that and what if she looks at me different. I believe in God but I feel like he's playing Sims with us, making us suffer and all that is amusing to him why put all these diseases on the Earth and etc. My father died November 23rd 2016 that's when the depression really kicked in and I haven't been the same since. Games have really been keeping me up but that's starting to fade. I get these thoughts in my mind to do bad things. I was walking to my auntie's house and this stray kitten let me pet it and we were chilling then I had this thought what if I chocked it or kicked it and someone else in my head said "Well, most likely it'll die face" I could pull my self to hurt that kitten though but that thought scared me. In 5th grade a couple months after my father died and boy talked about him and I chocked him for a long time he was red and his mouth was watering I had multiple other thoughts saying "Finish it, finish it , finish it he's damn near dead he won't be able to say anything" I don't like these thoughts I wanna go back to how I was before my dad died and I'm scared of therapy everyone won't look at me the same, anyway for anonymous therapy?
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