Would a kind soul help me on this, I am depress?

I always had the idea that I may be depress but I was never properly diagnose to say I do. I grew up being abused and it took a toll on me. I became an emotional person and take things in personally. My self-esteem is rock bottom, my anxiety is sky rocketing, and I seem to be getting worse (mentally). I started... show more I always had the idea that I may be depress but I was never properly diagnose to say I do. I grew up being abused and it took a toll on me. I became an emotional person and take things in personally. My self-esteem is rock bottom, my anxiety is sky rocketing, and I seem to be getting worse (mentally). I started self-harming since around the age of 14, I am now 23 yrs of age and I managed to stop of this year. I used to turn to alcohol but I managed to consume very very less now. Those I will say I improved on, but I feel it is because I became tired and numb and found no pleasure on turning to alcohol/cutting anymore.
Over a week now, I began to feel this heaviness on my health and seeing life. I now can’t go over an hour without thinking something negative about myself/and or my life. I can’t go over a day without crying, and I can’t go a night without feeling this hurt (that I am worthless, disgusting, and it is better that I stay like this.) I can’t seem to get help because I am hiding this secret from my family (long-story but they are just as dysfunctional). I am literally living each day like this and I know I am a failure because of this. The voice in my head is real. I hear God’s words but I seem to be failing at walking to His voice. I don’t know what to do.
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