Elope or wedding?

My partner has never been bothered about having a wedding or getting married. She says she would rather elope and just go somewhere the two of us, still romantic but just us two.

The cost and the planning of it all puts her off a lot. She says it’s too much money and stress choosing the dress, venue, food, music and flowers etc.

She also has a very little family and her mother and grandmother passed away about a year ago, she had wanted her mother to give her away if she was to ever get married and now that isn’t possible. It is basically just her father and her sister that are left in the family. I on the other hand have a very large family.

Is there anything I can do to convince her to have a wedding??

5 Answers

  • 6 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    A wedding is the ceremony whereby you get married - irrelevant of whether it's the two of you, or with 200 guests.

    Is there a compromise? She may feel that as her mother can't be with her, she absolutely doesn't want a traditional ceremony. Is there anything else the two of you would both be happy with?

    (Communication is important - so talk!)

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  • 6 months ago

    You are confusing getting married in secret (elope) with throwing a big party with lots of people (reception).

    Whether you do it in secret or with a bunch of people, you are having a wedding. To "wed" someone is to marry them.

    If you want a small wedding (immediate family only) have a small wedding..

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  • 6 months ago

    Maybe pay for & plan it?

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  • 6 months ago

    If you marry, then you have a wedding. An elopement is still a wedding.

    A wedding doesn't have to be large or elaborate, or cost a lot of money. It only costs as much as YOU choose to spend on it. Dinner and dancing isn't required, liquor doesn't need to be served, you don't have to have bridesmaids and groomsmen, she doesn't have to wear a white gown and a veil, etc. Your options aren't solely limited to "Huge expensive party" or "Private elopement" ... there is TONS of room in between these two extremes for you to plan for yourselves.

    The only requirements are to get the marriage license from the state; to find a legally certified person to perform your ceremony (religious minister, judge, professional wedding officiant, friend ordained online, etc.); and if you're inviting guests then you need to seat and feed them (and that can be as basic as a grocery store sheet cake and a fruit platter). That is IT. Anything aside from those things is 100% optional.

    Tell her that you'd really like to have your families and friends there when you marry, but you also understand her sadness at losing her mom and grandma and you also understand that she doesn't want to spend a lot of money or make a lot of decisions. Ask if there's a way you can compromise with her on having a wedding with guests, but still making it as low-key as possible.

    If I were in your shoes, here are the two options I'd propose to her:

    1. Cap the guest list at 50-100 people max. Find a local restaurant with a private banquet room that can put together an affordable lunch or brunch menu for you - just tell them what you want to spend and let them draft a menu and include nice table linens and centerpieces or candles in your package. Plan it for a month or two in the future. Get a marriage license. Send out simple invitations (you can order them online or buy them today at Target) or evites to your guests. Get a nice suit and a nice dress (not even white, unless she wants white) from a department store. No bridal party. Ask a florist or a grocery store flower department to put together a nice bouquet and boutonniere (you don't even have to pick the flowers ... just say "I can spend $x so do what you want and just make it look nice"), or skip the flowers entirely if you don't care about them. Hire an officiant to come and perform the ceremony at the restaurant, or ask a friend to get ordained online to do a short ceremony. Ask the restaurant to put on a background playlist of classical music or easy listening/Frank Sinatra-style stuff, and no dancing. If you want rings you can get them quickly from the stock options at a jewelry store, antique shop, department store, pawn shop, or Walmart, or order them online from Overstock.com or BlueNile.com. Boom, done, lovely wedding. My good friends threw this kind of wedding and it was absolutely beautiful, fairly stress-free, and didn't cost them an arm and a leg. If I had to do it over again, this is what I would do myself.

    2. Hold a backyard cookout or a casual party at a VFW hall or firehouse hall. Or even something fun like a brewery, a bowling alley, an old movie theater, whatever - any place that has room to accommodate everyone, SEATED, and where you can provide some food. Tell your guests that the party is for July 4, or a family reunion, or "just because," or whatever excuse you want to use. Get a marriage license (which may require a witness, so if it's a secret wedding then make sure the witness you ask can keep a secret.) Arrange for barbecue food, soft drinks, and dessert - or if you do a quick mid-afternoon party you can get away with just serving a big sheet cake, a fruit platter, maybe a cheese platter, and soft drinks or punch. Make sure there are enough tables and chairs for every single person. Wear something casual but nice, like a sundress for her and a button-up shirt for you. Arrange to have someone certified to perform weddings in attendance. When everyone has arrived and is mingling, stand up and ask for their attention - thank them for coming and say, "We're so glad you're all here today, because we've decided to get married - right now!" Then ask them all to please take their seats, and have the certified officiant come forward and perform a short wedding ceremony. Then go on with the celebration as normal. That way you won't have people questioning your choices during the engagement and once they realize it's a wedding, it's over and done with. I have a friend who threw a semi-formal engagement party and then did a surprise wedding in the middle of it because they didn't want all the fuss of a big wedding.

    And while you both need to agree with the plans, there's nothing written in stone about the woman being the one to spearhead them. It's perfectly OK for YOU to do the legwork and then say to her, "Do you like Option A or Option B best for our wedding?" or even "I'd like to book XYZ for our wedding, unless you have any objections."

    But if she utterly refuses to marry you unless it's an elopement or a private wedding at a courthouse or whatever, then you have a decision to make ... is it more important to you to marry her no matter what, or more important to you to have your loved ones in attendance? You may have to make a very tough decision, and a sacrifice (either the wedding or her), if she refuses to compromise. (And, frankly, you may want to reconsider your entire relationship with someone who insists on their way or the highway.)

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  • 6 months ago

    I don't know, get your family to pay for it, bride's family usually does, but my uncle paid for my cousins wedding, ( the bride;s family was not well off) so it has been known to happen. Also convince her you will help her plan it and all so it is not all up to her.

    • BeatriceBatten
      Lv 7
      6 months agoReport

      (a) This has nothing to do with who is paying for it; this is about the engaged couple completely disagreeing on what kind of wedding to have. (b) You don't "get" either family to pay for YOUR wedding; if it's OFFERED you can choose to accept the help or not; and if nobody offers, oh well.

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