Need Writing Critique?

Hey I need advice on what I need to critique for this. I appreciate no sugar coating, but keep in mind: pointless insults help no one. Thank you!
Here's the link-
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AZNEP8vlLsSxNNZT7F4JGIo8NFOZneyuBTAddtM8yc0/edit?usp=sharing
9 answers 9