Need Writing Critique?
Hey I need advice on what I need to critique for this. I appreciate no sugar coating, but keep in mind: pointless insults help no one. Thank you!
Here's the link-
- TinaLv 76 months ago
I liked the phrase 'the laughter of wolves' so much that I want to use it as a title, however, as wolves don't laugh or even (unlike hyenas) make sounds that can sound like laughter, as a simile it is not much use here.
Your narrator is sitting with a cup of tea and a book with a cat on her lap. Outside it's night, storm and a wild sea. You can establish that in a couple of sentences - then something has got to HAPPEN otherwise I lose interest and wander off.
Start with something happening.
- mad dogLv 56 months ago
Young writers tend to overwrite, that is, they describe too much. Less is more.Young writers who read and are smart want to show the world how big their vocabulary is. Don't describe everything in so much detail. I might add the horror genre a la Twilight stories have come and gone. Zombie stories are out too.
- bluebellbkkLv 76 months ago
The crashing of the foaming waves onto the sands [are] IS easily heard from my seat on the old, patched armchair. The weathered wood door and windows rattle as the irate winds and rains [how many winds and rains? Why not just wind and rain?] pummel and pound against them. Even the [old] floorboards tremble at the onslaught, the tang of salt hanging in the air [what is the connection between the onslaught and the tang of salt? sounds like a non-sequitur].
The wind [to me seems] SOUNDS like the chilling laughter of wolves, and it's easy to imagine a pack of the creatures outside [of] the small stilt house, biding their time ‘till the whole structure collapses inward, leaving me at their mercy.
The inky sky and goldEN moon are blotted out by wisps of gray from which thunder grumbles and occasional cracks of lighting [emit WRONG WORD], leaving the whole world in a [blinded DO YOU MEAN 'BLINDING'?] white when it does.
Though I would usually be troubled by the [various VERY WEAK CHOICE OF WORD] sounds and chill temperature, tonight I was [nothing if not] at peace. The sedative purr of the cat upon my lap canceling out the effect of the screaming rains, and the book in one hand, a cup of warmed [really, 'warmed'? Why not 'warm' or better still,'hot'? tea in the other, offer[s]OFFERED something else [in]ON which to focus [my concerns].
- Anonymous6 months ago
What I like most about your text is that you describe very tangible things; one can feel the ocean, the foam, the wood, the purr of the cat, the armchair... A lot of writers have a problem staying grounded in the material world, they go too ethereal or abstract too fast.
What I like less is that this text to me seems written from a certain mentality of scarcity, like: "omg, unless I try to use very impressive words every few inches, the text is not going to sound literary enough..." That tension stifles your freedom to write, and makes the sentences sound a bit overloaded and artificial, no matter how well you craft them with your creativity, which other than that seems overflowing. But just say aloud "The crashing of the foaming", and you'll notice that there's something not right...
Also, the use of "I" felt a bit scattered and random to me. The text feels like a collection of sentences, some of them with good moments, but it lacks cohesion as a unit.
As a system to overcome those two problems, you could try writing a first draft very quickly, maybe setting a timer, and get "to the other side" as fast as you can... This will improve the naturality of the tone, although it will not be a text you would be proud of showing to others...
Then, in an imitation of the sea, you correct the text in "waves": where in the heat of the moment you used a "lo-res" word like "thing", you can now give it some thought to what word will give more "bang for the buck", and use "portrait", or "canvas" instead, etc... After the changes, reread the text from the beginning, to see where the musicality "derails", rinse and repeat...
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- DavidLv 76 months ago
It sounds okay, but needs a little dialogue. I had the same problem myself, but the reverse: when I started writing novels, my stories had lots of dialogue, but not as much narrative. My last story found a better balance.
- AndrewLv 76 months ago
Like most wannabe amateur authors, you seem to be under the mistaken impression that each and every noun needs to be preceded by an adjective or two. That's the hallmark of a writer who's trying to stretch out the word count of an incredibly weak piece. Like this one.
- Sir CausticLv 66 months ago
If I were you I'd include a fight scene between those wolves and the cat, ending in the total collapse of the stilt house and the animals turning on the narrator. Hope this helped.
- WhateverLv 76 months ago
You need to stop asking for critiques every time you do an update and focus on the writing. Asking for feedback once or twice is one thing. Being incessant about it by posting daily or almost daily is annoying. Want to be a writer? Then get to work and don't ask for feedback until you've written several thousand words.
- MsBittnerLv 76 months ago
It's got multiple problems, Tessa--and I'm sure that stings. I see you joined today and probably hoped someone would catch a missing comma and a typo, then announce it really good.
But it's not. It's got so many needless adjectives that it quickly becomes funny, which is surely not your intention. More serious is that it's quite a long paragraph in which absolutely nothing happens.
On to the line-by-line:
The burbling [adj.] crashing of the foaming [adj.] waves onto the now darkened [adj.], sunburnt [adj.] sands are easily heard [passive verb, adverb holding it up] from my seat on the large [adj.], old [adj.] patched [adj.] armchair. The rickety [adj.], weathered [adj.] wooden [adj.] door and dusty [adj.] windows rattle as the salty [adj.], irate [adj.] winds and toiling [adj.] rains pummel and pound against them. Even the old [adj.] floorboards rattle and shake at the onslaught. The howling [adj.] sounds like the chilling [adj.] laughter of wolves and it's easy to imagine a pack of the creatures outside of the small [adj.] stilt [adj.] house, biding their time ‘till [←-mistake—it’s either ‘til (my preference) or till, with some publishers] the whole [adj.] structure collapses inward, leaving me at their mercy. The inky [adj.] raven [adj.] sky and gold [adj.] moon are blotted out [passive voice again] by wisps of gray from which thunder grumbles and occasional cracks of lighting emit from [←-awkward phrasing], leaving the whole [adj.] world in a blinded [adj.] white when it does [further awkwardness. Kill this sentence and rewrite from scratch?]. Though I would usually [adv.] be troubled by the various [adj.] sounds and chill [adj.] temperature, tonight I was [Verb tense just changed] nothing but if [“but if”?] not at peace. The sedative [adj.], calming [adj.] purr of the cat upon my lap canceling out the effect of the terrible [adj.] screaming [adj.] rains, and the book in one hand, a cup of warmed [adj.] tea in the other, offers something else in [on?]which to focus my concerns.
Like any critique, if it makes you upset, save it and look at it later. Or delete it and vow to do better. Or use what you can and ignore the rest. But like you, I'm not a fan of pointless insults, including a persistent person who wanted feedback and now downvotes every reply I make here.
It makes me wonder why I bother, when I could be working on my own stuff, you know? But there's always a chance I'll be helping someone who's open to it. Maybe that's you.