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Ray
Lv 6
Ray asked in Family & RelationshipsWeddings · 10 months ago

My fiancé doesn't want a wedding, what should I do?

I've been her boyfriend for 4 years, a few months ago she jokingly gave me a deadline to propose. She showed me the ring she wanted [which is expensive], but I jokingly told her that I wouldn't be able to surprise her with the deadline so that she should pick the ring and I just buy it. The last 2 years we've gone to several weddings and she would mention how everyone else is getting married but she isn't. She would also tell me of her wedding ideas.

Last week, out of nowhere she doesn't want a wedding because ''she wouldn't get what she wants'' which is a most likely $20k wedding minimum. And while we could save that in a year, it would really take a little more because she has to pay off her car and we want to buy a house, which would be postponed 1-2 years with a wedding.

So now she just wants a $80.00 court marriage out of nowhere, I haven't even gotten her the ring...

We have talked about getting married and I am all for it/

However, it feel like I am destroying her dream.

We both make ok money and we travel a lot, in 4 months we will be visiting India and possibly Nepal as tourist.

I've proposed we buy the house in 2 years and then save for a wedding, but she doesn't want a wedding years after we marry in court, so no wedding at all.

Thoughts?

18 Answers

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    10 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    My courthouse marriage has outlasted most of those of our friends who had big, splashy weddings. So it's not the end of the world to do things modestly. TBH, the day you close escrow on your new house will bring you more pleasure than dropping tens of thousands on a one day party. Your gf is finally being sensible. Take her at her word and go buy that house.

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  • 10 months ago

    Get married in the county court house and have a nice reception at someone's house.

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  • 10 months ago

    If you get married in a court house, that IS YOUR WEDDING.

    You can't get married again later; as you'll already be married.

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  • 10 months ago

    She isn't mature enough to be married, and you have already taken enough orders from this girl. Walk away, and find someone with whom you can make plans together, based upon what you both love and can afford. This one is demanding and immature, and your life is going to be hell if you marry her. The divorce will be worse.

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  • Anonymous
    10 months ago

    treat your girl and give her the wedding she wants. come on dude

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  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    First, a fiance is a guy and a fiancee is a female and since you haven't proposed, she's neither... she's a gf right now.

    What my take on this is that she does want get married and have a wedding but is growing tired of waiting to marry and will forgo (but likely regret) having a big wedding and just get married.

    In your description you're saying you propose this and that before marriage, how much of that is she on board with? Or is it you making all the decisions on your future? What really needs to happen here is the two of you need to have a very open and honest conversation about each of your expectations of this relationship is. If getting married is important to her but not you, you're not right for each other because you want different things in life.

    Marriage ultimately needs to happen when you're both ready.. not just one of you. And a forced (ultimatums and deadlines) marriage is the start of a short marriage.

    Myself I wouldn't buy a house with someone who I don't actually have a legal commitment with. That's a commitment with the bank, not necessarily each other.

    Say in 2 years you do buy a house and she gets her car paid off, will you have a different reason to need to wait then? Will the house need fixing, remodeling, updating so that will take priority then?

    A wedding doesn't have to be big and expensive to be nice. There's lots of ways to save on a wedding and save for a wedding. The more people you invite for the most part, the more it will cost. Myself I actually wanted a smaller wedding with just immediate family, my husband wanted the bigger wedding. Then my mom and some other female relatives convinced me I might regret not having a bigger wedding when I had the opportunity so we had that bigger wedding. While i enjoyed it overall, I think I would have still preferred something smaller. In the end we still had a wedding we could afford and paid cash for everything, no debt.

    The ring is kind of a gray area. It's fine that she wants a ring (I did) and prefers certain styles, but if she wouldn't accept a ring under a certain figure that's totally something else. I'm honest that I did want a ring, but I really didn't care the costs on it. I just let my guy know when he asked what I liked and he picked it out from there.

    You can't get married by the court and have the wedding later. Whether you get married in a courthouse, a church, backyard, beach or anywhere else the legal requirements are all the same and they are all weddings. A wedding is a legal ceremony for 2 unwed people to marry.

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  • drip
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    Ray there is a huge difference in a court house wedding ceremony and spending 20k on the wedding. She is pouting instead of coming up with an in between solution. That isn’t good.

    It sounds like the two of you need to discuss what married life means to you. What your goals are for five, ten , fifteen years down the line. How you want to budget. Kids?

    You are not on the same page.

    She is completely right about not having two weddings years apart. You get married once. So if you want to get married now, you don’t wait 2-4 years to save money and then have a big wedding.

    You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Wedding now, then house. Then throw a huge five year anniversary party.

    Have a simple wedding and go on a honeymoon.

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    • drip
      Lv 7
      10 months agoReport

      Yes she is pouting. Not compromising
      We don’t always get what we want. You will always have things you want you can have or can’t do,
      This is a huge financial issue to discuss

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  • AJ
    Lv 7
    10 months ago

    Plan a vacation to a resort like Sandals that offer a wedding package. I had a friend who did that and with a 5 night stay, Sandals didn't charge anything for the package. So combine the wedding into the Honeymoon/ vacation.

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  • 10 months ago

    Stop "joking" with each other and TALK.

    First ask her if she actually wants to get married. If so, ask her if it means more to her to marry very soon, or if it means more to her to have a certain kind of celebration. And TALK TO HER about how you guys feel about buying a house, paying off her car and other debts, traveling, etc., and how that may affect your plans to marry.

    Remember that a "wedding" is the ceremony in which you get married. There is no "courthouse ceremony now and a wedding later." You get ONE wedding - the ceremony that unites you in marriage. Whether it's at the courthouse in your jeans, or with a big fancy party with all the trimmings. You can't get MORE married after you're already married.

    Saying "We want to get married but don't want a wedding" is 100% inaccurate ... you cannot marry without a wedding, that's a fact. But someone who marries privately in their living room has a "wedding," someone who goes to Vegas and does an Elvis ceremony with 5 friends as witnesses has a "wedding," and someone who wears a $10K ballgown to marry in St. Patrick's Cathedral with a reception at the Ritz-Carlton afterward has a "wedding." The size and cost and formality of the wedding doesn't make the wedding any more or less valid or worthwhile or better than a smaller, simpler, cheaper wedding. ALL of these things are a "wedding."

    And remember that you aren't limited to JUST "basic courthouse wedding" or "big fancy blowout." There ARE options in between, you know ... a low-key restaurant luncheon for 50 people, a fancy white tie dinner for just your immediate families, a casual backyard cookout for 100 people, cake and coffee only in the church basement for 150 people ... your obligations are to seat and feed your guests, but beyond that you can handle it however you want, so it's up to you how big it is and how much it'll cost.

    So, again ... TALK TO HER, knock it off with the jokes and hints, and flat-out ask her if she wants to get married and how she wants to handle it. Make lists, crunch the numbers, decide on your priorities, and THEN you can talk about what kind of wedding you guys want to plan.

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  • 10 months ago

    Let's be clear, having a wedding after you are married is called playing dress up and begging for gifts. It really isn't considered appropriate. I would suggest you skip the travel and pay for some pre-marital counseling. Being married is hard work and it requires maturing, communication, and compromise as well as shared values. For some reason, your girlfriend is suddenly in a rush to get married. Why? According to your post, she's acting like a petulant pre-schooler (If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything at all!"). These are not the behaviors of a woman who is ready for the responsibilities and commitment of marriage.

    It is fine to get married at the courthouse, or a small wedding or a huge extravaganza. It is fine to use your money for a house or to travel instead of a lavish ceremony and receptions. What isn't fine is not being able to discuss this rationally and make a decision that is right for you. Take it slow. Get counseling.

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