Recognising Race; Babies, and those without parents...? The world is a safe place?

I am 25 years old. I am mixed race. I feel I had no attachment to my mother. Basically I grew up with no parents to guide me in life. I recognised race, but somehow didn't at the same time.The only reason I got attached to my English teacher (white) was because she kicked me softly under the table where she was... show more I am 25 years old. I am mixed race. I feel I had no attachment to my mother. Basically I grew up with no parents to guide me in life. I recognised race, but somehow didn't at the same time.The only reason I got attached to my English teacher (white) was because she kicked me softly under the table where she was sitting, and needed someone to touch me. I never understood anything about the world. I experienced racism when I lived in Ireland, but felt that I didn't really understand it because I was a child. In my eyes, I didn't see anyone as different, but that is how it is percieved to be now. All my childhood photos were taken in flash, so I looked white in all of them. I can honestly say that I saw the world through a child's eyes. I'm not sure if it's because of severe abuse. I remember having hallucinations as a child, and feel maybe I was locked in a room for a long time, or hit over the head. I remember being told to go to sleep and I remember opening my eyes and then blank. Then I'm awake and I'm in this dark room with a boy sitting on my bed (which I know was an hallucination). I was traumatised, so much so that I react to things in anger. I just wish I was more normal, but blessed that I saw things through a child's eyes for as long as I did. I was very naive and trusting of people. My question is to those that grew up with no parents (maybe in a home where abuse happened), or those that were never guided by any parents, did you ever see the world like I saw it?
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