Recognising Race; Babies, and those without parents...? The world is a safe place?
I am 25 years old. I am mixed race. I feel I had no attachment to my mother. Basically I grew up with no parents to guide me in life. I recognised race, but somehow didn't at the same time.The only reason I got attached to my English teacher (white) was because she kicked me softly under the table where she was sitting, and needed someone to touch me. I never understood anything about the world. I experienced racism when I lived in Ireland, but felt that I didn't really understand it because I was a child. In my eyes, I didn't see anyone as different, but that is how it is percieved to be now. All my childhood photos were taken in flash, so I looked white in all of them. I can honestly say that I saw the world through a child's eyes. I'm not sure if it's because of severe abuse. I remember having hallucinations as a child, and feel maybe I was locked in a room for a long time, or hit over the head. I remember being told to go to sleep and I remember opening my eyes and then blank. Then I'm awake and I'm in this dark room with a boy sitting on my bed (which I know was an hallucination). I was traumatised, so much so that I react to things in anger. I just wish I was more normal, but blessed that I saw things through a child's eyes for as long as I did. I was very naive and trusting of people. My question is to those that grew up with no parents (maybe in a home where abuse happened), or those that were never guided by any parents, did you ever see the world like I saw it?
- Anonymous7 months ago
Your story has too many dimensions and I can't just focus on one.
I will answer your question, I was never guided by my parents, I used to live with my grand parents, and my mom used to work and my dad used to live in another state for work, I know my parents were good and they did it cause we were very poor, and both my parents needed to work to support me and pay for me and my siblings. But, I am the one who was a little bit neglected or felt neglected because I was the youngest and I never got praised for my talents or my dreams and I was always lonely at school I faced a lot of bullying maybe discrimination because my parents never attended parents meetings, and maybe they didn't pay for the school quickly, many teachers abused me in the first school I went to, and many other students as well, I was very naive I had no guidance, and I feared everything I even didn't tell my mom most of the stories and bullying I got exposed to, and at that time in my life I saw the world just the way you saw it but I didn't hallucinate honestly and I didn't get trauma, I was just looking to life like a baby and I never got what things like this were happening to me specifically I had no friends, the girls used to get dolls that were original and looked very nice, so when I wanted to imitate them and get my cheap doll and wanted to play they excluded me and never allowed me to play with them! I felt so neglected at home and at school, my grand parents loved me, but they were making fun at me when I cry, and they never praised me like my siblings, the only one who was very merciful to me was my mom, so unconsciously till today I sometimes hurt her, maybe cause I felt she left me when I was young and I always had nightmares I was lost crying and looking for my mom. My mom was very great and my dad as well but they were poor and I always wonder why they got me in this world!
I can understand from your story that you have been treated in a discriminate way because your race , which is very normal, the world is not a kind place and most of the people don't like anyone who is different, I was treated in a bad way because I was chubby, not so pretty, poor, not neat (no one had time to dress me up or let me wash my face and my teeth), I wore glasses I was a weirdo so that's why I got mistreated in any place especially school and even at home I felt neglected. I know how it feels like no one abused me physically , I only got abused mentally. And, the physical times weren't as you described it wasn't that harsh!