Even though it doesn't feel like it now, this situation will pass.
And if you stop telling yourself messages that make you unhappy, you will get through it and even go on to have decades of a good life.
It is up to you.
Happiness is a state of mind, and that means it is caused by what WE put into OUR mind.
One thing you need to change. You need to stop drinking. You cannot see danger and cannot protect yourself when you are impaired. This is a very hard lesson you have learned. Let it change your decisions.
Understand that the more we fight hurt, the worse it feels. The more we physically and emotionally relax, the less it hurts.
Now, this is easiest to see in flu clinics where people come in for flu shots. The little kids get all tense and resist and they end up wailing and sobbing. But the adults just accept it and stay relaxed and don't even blink an eye. The difference is how WE attribute the situation. WE are the ones who make ourselves miserable.
So relax, accept, observe yourself, and especially observe what you are telling yourself. Because whatever we feed into our subconscious determines what emotions it spits back out.