I want to feel okay?

Hi. I'm 21, I work 3 days a week. I feel as though I cannot hold down a full time job. The only time I don't want to hurt myself is if I drink. I did go to treatment, so please understand it's expensive and I don't have the finances to go through it again, I'm doing dbt already but nothing seems... show more Hi. I'm 21, I work 3 days a week. I feel as though I cannot hold down a full time job. The only time I don't want to hurt myself is if I drink. I did go to treatment, so please understand it's expensive and I don't have the finances to go through it again, I'm doing dbt already but nothing seems to be helping. I feel emotionally unequipt. When I drink I express to my close friends my thoughts of death, they shrug it off, of course they worry, but I know they just think I'm drunk talking. I'm not. My best friend told me, ''I know you like the back of my hand. I know you'll be okay and you'd never do anything.'' all I could do is agree with him. I don't like worrying anyone. I will make this anonymous, I don't want anyone to know. I know no one even knows me on here. I don't have a bone in my body that wants to live, no one would be surprised, and I sound selfish, I don't want to be a selfish person or make this depressing, pathetic paragraph. I just feel very lost. Lost is the word. I have no motivation. I can't see myself getting through the next few months. That's generous.
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