Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 7 months ago

I'm torn, should I get back with my husband after a 9 month split?

Married for 16 years. Lots of alcohol, anger issues, and mental abuse and manipulation on top of never really being a supportive husband, dad, or financial contributor. The last 4 years were better with some of those things with him gaining better and longer employment but we ended up having a second child 3 years ago and his issues were not completely stopped so I left to avoid a terrible falling out and for my kids to stop seeing the worst in him. He tells me he's been sober all this time after 5 months at a sober house, and that he regularly sees a psychologist. On top of constantly reminding me that he lives in his car because he can't afford an apartment right now. Does this sound to you like manipulation all over again? Do spouses really ever make a change after a split?

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  • 7 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    Don't do it! The more you take him back, the less respect he will have for you. Haven't you noticed, each time to take him back in the past, he got worse? Move on!

  • kim
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    Ask him to work for a year pay child support and be there for church on Sunday. If he can figure it out it's a game changer. But u ain't his mama

  • 7 months ago

    Do you WANT to take him back? You don't owe it to him, remember.

    If you think you might want to take him back, I strongly suggest couples counseling first, as well as individual counseling for yourself. If he's been seeing a psychologist and going to AA meetings, he should continue doing that. Don't have sex, don't let him move back in yet ... just go to counseling together and decide if it might be worth giving him another chance (and if you do, take it SLOW).

    If you would rather not risk getting hurt again, just tell him NO, it's over, and that's that. If he's living in his car then that's his problem, not yours. He's responsible for himself, not you.

  • 7 months ago

    it's GOOD if it's TRUE that he's been sober all this time n staying in a sober place....but..yes...could be a form of manipulation trying to make YOU feeel bad/guilty for him that he's sleeping in his car*.....every spouse/relationship is different from the next...so not sure where YOUR husbands thoughts are..if they're for real n he truly wants his life to get back on track..or if it's a ploy for YOU to take him back........only YOU will know if he's for real in changing or not* Him going to his appts with docs is iimportant....n for him to continue to work on his issues to make life healthier for himself as well as his family*......take one day at a time* support the Positive changes* but always keep an eye open to make sure things don't slip n he turns back to the way things were ..he n you both need to continue to communicate with each other n take one day at a time* All the BEST*

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  • Kim R
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    I would go in with him to see his psychologist and ask some questions. Find out if the psychologist thinks he's making a true effort or not. Verify that he is doing all he says he is, and if not, then dump him for good. You don't need any more trouble.

  • 7 months ago

    People can change after a split like you are describing but that doesn't mean he has changed. It sounds pretty good to me, he is seeing a psychologist and is apparently 5 months sober, so maybe he really has managed to get his life back on track.

    Its your call, this could just be more manipulation but people can (sometimes) change and this does sound life he's really trying, so maybe you should give him another chance.

    It would be nice if you could check on him with friends or something to make sure. Maybe give him a 2nd chance but don't jump into anything. Start with just going out on a few dates and see if he really seems changed to you and take it from there.

  • 7 months ago

    There's LOTS of adults that can "make it" without living in their car. Sounds to me that he'd rather make excuses than to go out and make it happen for himself. He'll just sweet talk his way back in to get a roof over his head.

    Sorry, IMO... Life is too short to "go back"... There's plenty of guys out there that only move forward.

  • Steve
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    What do you mean you “ended up” havinig a second child? You’re always going to be torn as long as you’re irresponsible. This story is either bogus or you are in deep denial.

    • Steve
      Lv 7
      7 months agoReport

      Why did you get pregnant with him again? You have a long list of things wrong with him as a husband and father. You LET yourself get pregnant again. Stop playing the victim and take responsibility.

  • 7 months ago

    I know that I did. But I went for counseling for ten months.

    • David B.
      Lv 7
      7 months agoReport

      Thank you Katie M. Unfortunately, after 29 years of marriage I lost her to cancer in 2011.

  • 7 months ago

    Yes spouses can change!

    I'm a 19 year old, so I've never been anyones spouse, however I have seen my own parents go through this type of experience.

    My dad was heavily into drugs, and even abused my mom for a time period, he wasn't worth **** to anyone and just complete filth.

    He ended up losing all rights to me and my sister, and my mom took us.

    Months down the road, he's gone through rehab and got a bad but better-than-nothing job to be able to afford to pay the child support. He's never disrespectful to my mom anymore no matter how much **** she gives him when they meet up, and now she's decided to give him a second chance. It's been over a year now, he doesn't touch any drugs besides caffiene and he's just so grateful to have his family back.

    So yes it is possible, and sometimes people just need that leg up, in your situation your ex is living in his car, you allowing him to come back with you giving him that other chance, he could have the mind set of (Oh I'm not risking ******* this up again) Because in all honestly it's so much better to raise your children with BOTH parents. However if this is not the first time you've given him a second chance, and he's messed up multiple times, than it's pretty clear no matter what he'll just revert to his old ways.

    However if you love him, and this is the first time you've considered giving him another chance, you might be surprised how much people can change.

    • Juana
      Lv 4
      7 months agoReport

      It's the first time I physically leave him for a super extended period with the intention of divorce. Other times I've left for a few days at a time while the anger and hurt faded a bit. Thanks for your story.

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