I am scared of my sexual nature? I'm hiding from life because I am unable to accept myself?

I am struggling to even word my situation. I'm struggling to come to terms with my sexual feelings and just accepting the fact I am attracted to women. It's like years and years of denying my basic urges and feelings because I feared getting shamed and bullied for the same. Made me almost not speak or look... show more I am struggling to even word my situation. I'm struggling to come to terms with my sexual feelings and just accepting the fact I am attracted to women. It's like years and years of denying my basic urges and feelings because I feared getting shamed and bullied for the same. Made me almost not speak or look at girls at my school. I had to steal looks at them when no one was watching.

So basically I turned out creepy. Even to this day I cannot express or accept my sexual feelings with others like when talking to peers I often avoid or don't disclose. While I am completely healthy with myself, I don't any deviant interests. But, this has greatly affected my confidence and my social life.

Now after years being socially self isolated and basically ending up alone and no one to communicate to decently like even with therapists they are simply cannot do much they just listen, I'm kind of losing it. I am unable to take jobs because I feel akward and distant mentally from everyone. I cannot even smile, its been years, I haven't laughed in a decade or longer. Haven't had a open heart banter since my granny passed away. I feel the end is near for me. What do I do now?
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