Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsOther - Family & Relationships · 7 months ago

I have a narcissistic, cheap, misogynistic father-in-law who I can't stand being around. How often do I need to see him? Hopefully, rarely.?

My Father-in-Law has destroyed every relationship he has ever had including his entire immediate family. The only people in his life are my husband and I, and his other son, 24 YO who lives with him still. I believe that he sabotages his sons in an effort to inhibit them from becoming anything greater or more successful than himself. It almost seems as though he is jealous of my husband's growing happiness and accomplishments. He has never congratulated him, or told him he is proud of him, but rather criticizes him constantly - letting him know that my husband's way is the wrong way. This is ironic because my Father-in-law has done nothing with his life. He has failed at being an employee because he cannot take orders from others, so now he does random side jobs. He has no retirement, no savings, no insurance of any kind, no legitimate work history, no high school diploma, never paid taxes, no future plans, and is a renter. But he is insistent that this is everyone else's fault but his own. He is entitled, complains about everything, never admits his faults, is extremely pessimistic, and has an underlying hatred for women that he tries to mask. Luckily, my husband was smart enough to get out of the house at the age of 18 and keep his distance. But since the loss of his mother, my husband wishes to keep the one parent he has left close to him, regardless of how unhealthy the relationship is. I can see it is tearing my husband apart trying to save them both.

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  • 7 months ago
    Favorite Answer

    I suggest that both you and your husband read and learn about toxic families and toxic family structure. You may want to enlist the assistance of a trusted therapist with this.

    With toxic family members boundaries are the first key and letting go and not taking it personally are also very important.

    You don’t actually have to see him AT ALL, this is called going “no contact” but I suggest instead of focusing on how much you dislike this guy focus on helping your husband deal with the relationship and support what he wants to do - so long as you can maintain your own equilibrium and not get abused in the situation. This is probably much harder for him than for you.

    If you really can’t stand it you can always put your foot down and say “no”. You don’t have to participate in that relationship. That is a fairly easy break to make if something really egregious takes place. If nothing totally over the top gives you a good excuse to bow out, you could keep a record of bad behavior to remind yourself (and your husband) of what happens in this relationship and why you don’t want to participate.

    It’s hard to cut out family members and very manipulative people realize this. I cut off my entire family over two years ago after a few years of minimal contact due to their abusive behavior. Honestly, I’ve never felt better.

  • Anonymous
    7 months ago

    I have a lot of siblings who i have cut off from, and am slammed over it but oh well. I know where you are coming from, I would try to avoid him all as possible and ignore him and don't let any one try to gaslight you into have something to do with him.

  • 7 months ago

    Interestingly this isn't your problem, it's your husband's issue so he needs to deal with it. While you are close with and love your husband, you can't "take on his issues".

    You can be supportive

    And you don't have to see anyone you don't want to associate with either.

  • 7 months ago

    Hopefully your husband doesn't want to see him often. Otherwise, tell your husband to go by himself.

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  • 7 months ago

    Honestly I would encourage your husband to stay away from him.

  • Steve
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    Do you know how to be civil? If you do, be that.

    You don’t have a life partnership with your father-in-law. You have a husband.

    And he has a father. If you have any constructive input, share it with your husband.

  • 7 months ago

    If in fact, your husband is as smart as you claim, eventually he'll realize that maintaining the toxic relationship with his father is only hurting him. The best thing you could do is to stand aside, remain uninvolved, and to allow that process to happen.

  • 7 months ago

    toxic. he needs to hear the truth and nothing short of it. also the sone needs to get the hell out of there

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