Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 7 months ago

Do you like my poem? Not meant to be too rhymey?

Jagged beams of light

Shot from you at first sight

Your dimpled smile

took my breath away

And in that moment I knew

I wanted you to stay

We talked all day

through the morning light

Your sparkling light green eyes

Made me not want to say goodbye

And when I laid down my head

I dreamed of you holding me tight

I promise to do my part

And always be faithful to you

So take care of my fragile heart

I know fairy tales don't exist

But I just can't resist

Hoping for a happily ever after

5 Answers

  • 7 months ago

    The first 2 lines are alright.

    The third one has to go.

  • 7 months ago

    Honest and straightforward. Refreshing, nowadays.

  • Tina
    Lv 7
    7 months ago

    Why did you not want a conventional rhyme scheme? why not do without ryme at all rather than use it at random?

  • Lôn
    Lv 7
    7 months ago doesn't flow because some lines have too few syllables and others too many.

    • Lôn
      Lv 7
      7 months agoReport

      I know, but it doesn't sound sounds more like prose.
      It als sounds better with a rhyme.

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  • 7 months ago

    I love it!!!

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