Partner says he's okay with us not having kids, but I wonder?
One of the very first things I told my partner, of a couple years now, is that I do not want kids. I have never wanted kids. I am now in my mid 30s and I don't see that changing at this point. I figured it was better to tell him right away before we got in too far. Well, he said he was okay with it whether we have kids or we don't. And for the most part he seems pretty relaxed about it. But at the same time there are certain things he'll say, or a certain way he acts, that make me think deep down he does desire kids and is not telling me the whole truth. For example, whenever we get into a conversation about it he'll say "God's will be done in the end, if he doesn't want us to have kids we won't. But if he does..." He has brought up that he thinks his mom might be upset she won't have grandkids through him, as if that matters. That's redundant. Whenever I bring such matters up, to make sure he is absolutely on board, he gets a bit avoidant. Says he "doesn't care" either way but when I talk happily about the benefits of us not having kids, and the freedom we will have, he clams up and gets quiet. Doesn't really rejoice with me, shrugs it off and changes the subject. Or, if he does state an opinion, the "If God doesn't want us to we won't, if he does we will" statement comes up...
It doesn't seem me like behavior of someone who completely supports my choice as he has "claimed" he has. But he says he's fine with it. What do you think?
I also hate it when he brings up the "Whatever God wants for us" statement. As if I have absolutely no choice in my reproductive future? He knows I don't like that too...
To the second answer, that does make sense. I have talked, extensively, about how I absolutely will not change my mind. So he's VERY aware of how firm I am on it. And, as far as him hoping for an accident. That kind of makes sense actually. And I truly hope he is not counting on that. And I wish I could get sterilized but that is WAY out of my budget.
I will add that, on the contrary, he wants to help with all of our contraception options. No matter what we use, he pays for it, and wants to help if I decide to get on the pill.
- Anonymous9 months agoFavorite Answer
He does sound uncertain. You may want to have a talk and spell things out for him, because it sounds like he's hoping you'll accidentally get pregnant and then decide to have the child. If that did happen, what would you do? Would you have an abortion? If so, spell that out for him. Let him know there will be no accidents. You could also talk to your doctor about permanent sterilization. I had a tubal when I was 28 and it wasn't too bad - it did take around a week in bed and several more weeks of recovery time for the muscles to heal, but was better than the alternative. Tell your partner you're setting up an appointment to discuss sterilization with your doctor and see how he reacts. You need him to understand that this has nothing to do with what God wants, and there will be no accidental babies. Then see what he thinks.
Edit - check with your insurance company about sterilization. Mine was covered by my insurance. I believe I had a minimal co-pay, but that was it.
- FoofaLv 79 months ago
I guess you should take him at his word for now. In a few years it won't be such an issue because you'll be well beyond procreating without extensive fertility treatments.
- LônLv 79 months ago
Good for you...I'm the same. I prefer fast cars and luxury holidays over screaming, puking and shiitting sprogs.
- 9 months ago
You describe a compatibility problem, and in some cases, it's not good for you, and certainly not his best approach for how life shall be with his mate. That said, and that considered, you are best to move on, and explore other potential possibilities rather than making each other's life miserable, with the current connection. Also, either now, with accepting your relationship, or moving on with new possibilities, why do you not get on the pill to control never getting pregnant.