Why can’t people understand that I can’t handle a life of being gay?

I discovered I was gay at the age of 18, I liked girls all my life but then at the age of 18, I experimented with guys and I like guys more. But I made a huge mistake discovering my sexuality. Most of my family and friends are homophobic, these were people I knew all my life. I’ve even stood by and watched some of... show more I discovered I was gay at the age of 18, I liked girls all my life but then at the age of 18, I experimented with guys and I like guys more. But I made a huge mistake discovering my sexuality. Most of my family and friends are homophobic, these were people I knew all my life. I’ve even stood by and watched some of my cousins beat up gay people for being gay and conformed to what they did. I don’t have the courage to even oppose my family and friends homophobia. I really don’t want to be gay or be part of the gay community, it’s going to cause too much change in my life, I hate change. I even avoid pride events, I’m not proud at all to be gay, it’s a curse to me. I wish people can change or alter sexuality, my homosexuality is something that I don’t want that I’m stuck with for life. I don’t know why this one gay guy I talked to keeps trying to preach hiv awareness to me. I personally take hiv/aids over being gay but hiv and aids take too long to kill me. Right now I’m 20, if I contract hiv and don’t treat it, it’s going to take just 8 to 10 years to become aids and it takes aids 4 more years to kill you. 8-14 years is a very very long time to live. 34 is an old age to me. I already feel old at the age of 20, I don’t even want to see 25, the longer I live the more likely the people in my life would find out about my sexuality. I don’t want to live my life as a gay man, I really don’t and I don’t know what part the LGBTQ community doesn’t understand.
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