SUICIDE FANTASIES??

I constantly feel numb and empty. There's no point in anything, I hate myself. It feels like there's something (like dirt) next to me and I have the urge to remove it. There's nothing actually there, but I do everything to remove that feeling. I've continuously self harmed for the past 2 months,... show more I constantly feel numb and empty. There's no point in anything, I hate myself. It feels like there's something (like dirt) next to me and I have the urge to remove it. There's nothing actually there, but I do everything to remove that feeling.
I've continuously self harmed for the past 2 months, everything's just cold and empty. I'm not suicidal, but I like fantasizing about suicide. It's the only form of relief, it's the only escape- but my funeral has to be a secret. No-one should find out, I should just disapprear into non-existance like I never was alive before.
My mum said mental illness is only for homeless people, and beats me up when I start crying over things (I'm 16). This feeling has only recently developed and I can't concentrate on anything, even my education. I sit in my room, face the walls and constantly keep trying to get that numb empty feeling away. I want to feel something, anything (even sadness), but not numbness. I don't feel anything.
I've been bullied last year, but I can't remember anything anymore either. Please help??
Update: I don't take drugs and I wasn't raped, I was only bullied at school
Update 2: I'm 17, I was 16 last year
24 answers 24