How to get my **** together and be normal?

Something happened to me that I didnt really agree with, he was much older and I didn’t know what to do. It was me who put myself into the situation and I shouldn’t and im ashamed to tell anyone, I feel guilty and used and dirty. I didnt say yes but I got myself into the situation in the first place. I talked like... show more Something happened to me that I didnt really agree with, he was much older and I didn’t know what to do. It was me who put myself into the situation and I shouldn’t and im ashamed to tell anyone, I feel guilty and used and dirty. I didnt say yes but I got myself into the situation in the first place. I talked like normally and I felt uncomfortable, suddenly he kisses me and I try to push myself away in a moreover polite way. He gets even closer and starts touching me, I tried to lean away and I didnt even know how to say no. He didn’t go further, he had to go somewhere all of the sudden and I blocked his number after and just cut him out. It keeps replaying in my head and drives me insane, I didn’t want that and I got myself into it so I can’t blame him. I just wanna lead a normal life, not be afraid of sex or touching or kissing. I dont know what to do, I have just felt empty, broken, disgusting, ashamed, worthless, depressed and even had suicidal thoughts since. I can’t stop it from replaying in my mind and start panicking and I just wanna be happy like before.
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